Dear Friends and Possible Enemies,
It’s unusual for me to be posting on a Friday night, but I’m doing it because I have something very special to share. See, for the past few hours, I mean, days, I’ve been thinking about how I could give something back to the community that has given me so much. I mean the blogging community, the Tweeting community, heck, I’ll even throw in those Facebookers for good measure.
And after giving it some careful consideration, I decided that like Oprah, I’d give you the gift of reading. Now, I’m not saying that you’re illiterate, but I think we could all better ourselves by widening our reading horizons. So it would be fun for us to do a book group together. But since I already belong to a book group where we discuss important issues, and also to an online book group, I don’t have time to take on another reading project. But when has that ever stopped me?
So I decided to form an US Weekly discussion group.
I will read the new issue of US Weekly by Friday night and post some of the more important observations. Feel free to chime in with questions, opinions or suggestions about how to proceed with my canonization.
It is my hope that this weekly column will allow us to explore together the more subtle aspects of US Weekly and that together we will benefit from a richer, more in-depth analysis of every issue.
Join me. Our adventure begins.
Cover Story: Miley’s Family Is Torn Apart! Apparently, Miley cuts of her dad! OH NO! His heart must be achy breaky! More on that later!
Looking at Heidi Klum and Esperanza Spalding in a Suno fashion nightmare, I recommend that US rename the “Who Wore It Best†feature to “Who Wore It Least Worst.â€
Great news! Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton are talking again. I had no idea that they’d stopped talking, but holy shit, Kim’s breasts are huge!
Pre-Tragedy! Frankie Muniz, from Malcolm in the Middle, involved in some kind of domestic violence thing. I don’t understand it! Usually teen stars turn out so Danny Bonaduce well.
The “What’s in My Bag†takes a peek inside Gabrielle Union’s purse! She has spray on sunscreen for her dog, and according to the accompanying photo a $5 bill. I’m taking her off my “Must Mug” list.
“25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” always my favorite, is by Eliza Dushku. So now I know that she’s an “Archbishop Desmond Tutu fanatic†but I still have no idea who she is. Probably a diplomat.
“Loose Talk” which consists of fun quotes by the celebrities, lets us know that Jennifer Aniston is obsessed with Jersey Shore. Yeah, Brad Pitt is kicking himself for letting her get away.
Oh my shit, we’re only on page 20!
“Hot Pics!” Celebrities in bathing suits. Wait a minute, is HOT PICS always celebrities in bathing suits?! And is the “O†in HOT always a blazing sun? See? I’m paying more attention already! I don’t want to say anything, but I hope that Kelcey Grammer loves his fiancee’s soul and mind.
Know what’s great about US Weekly? I mean, besides the obvious great stuff? Even their ads are awesome. Like, there’s an ad for Taking on Tyson, about Mike Tyson, that’s premiering on Animal Planet in March. Animal Planet has the unfortunate tagline “Surprisingly Human†which I’m worried is going to send the wrong message here. But in a brief Q&A Mike Tyson claims that “his most prized possession†is “my children, by far.†Ok, then! Also, Mike has over 2,000 pigeons, so he’s just like you and me!
Speaking of which, it’s time for everyone’s favorite “Stars! They’re Just Like Us!” Unfortunately this week doesn’t feature anyone watching The Bachelor with a glass of chardonnay. Instead, we have Hugh Laurie buying his wife flowers on Valentine’s Day and Carrie Underwood biting her nails. Which is weird, because I’ve never bitten Carrie Underwood’s nails, nor gotten flowers for Mrs. Laurie.
Ok, back to the important stuff. Miley. So Miley Cyrus had an 18th birthday party and her dad wasn’t there and when asked why not he said because it was held in a bar. He’s also worried about her recent antics, that seem too boring to read about (sorry! This part of the article is like the whole vessel thing in Moby Dick that I totally skipped over in high school). Some sources are all like what? He pushed her to do the show! Other sources say something else. Good god. The Mike Tyson ad was more interesting that this. Also, Miley’s parents are either getting a divorce or are reconciling.
There’s so much more! Like “The Test Your Real Housewives IQ” which yes, does sounds oxymoronic, but is that just an excuse since you don’t know which housewife uttered “Close your legs to married men!â€? And important television news for the week ahead (Bethenny Ever After premiers on Monday!)
There’s more, but I’m exhausted. They’re picking at Christina again. So what if she forgot the national anthem and is drinking a lot. Which one of us hasn’t been there?
What do you think?
Favorite Features? Questions? Who is Brooklyn Decker?
One year ago ...
- Fruit Salad - 2011
{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }
This. Is. Brilliant.
Too bad I bought the one with bethenny on the cover!
interesting about miley. I heard he’s all “disney ruined my family.”
The question remains who made her dance on a pole at the Nick Kids awards?
Also, who is brooklyn decker? Because I have no idea.
Oh, you’re looking at last week’s issue. You’re a bit behind. Well. Please try to catch up for next week!
Twitter: AdorkableKati
February 25, 2011 at 7:26 pm
What a terrific idea! And Look, you’re saving all your readers like $3 a week AND saving the landfill from piles of discarded US Weeklies at the same time!
You do-gooder, you.
And, most importantly, I’m educating people.
I’ll see your US Weekly and raise you a PEOPLE discussion group. With chips.
Sigh. People doesn’t work. Because they always have to work in some non-celebrity “real people” heroes/do gooders. Yawn.
Twitter: TheJuliaBeck
February 25, 2011 at 8:08 pm
How can I ever thank you enough? Thanks to your brilliance, my Fridays of “who stole my US Weekly” are over – I can move on to the “what did you do in school this week” that was on the original script I was given. Cheers…
I do what I can.
I think this is genius–and exactly the type of thing my brain is good for come Friday night.
Me too. Isn’t it great to know that even when tired, we are still educating and bettering ourselves?
Twitter: mannahattamamma
February 25, 2011 at 10:42 pm
Brooklyn Decker. Sounds like a company that installs outdoor patios in, like Sheepshead Bay. You have left me with several unanswered questions, however, which are very similar to this Decker dilemma: who are Audrina Partridge and Ashley Tisdale? Are they the same person? Why are their pictures in magazines? Please help. I’m not sure I can wait until next Friday. Thank you. You’ve provided a wonderful service. I love the internet.
First of all, you’re welcome. But really, knowing that I’ve helped even one person, is all the thanks I need (let me know if you need PayPal instructions).
I know who Audrina Partridge is! She’s some singer that no one has ever heard of that won the best new artist award over Justin Bieber. Needless to say, I’m demanding a recount.
Twitter: Mamabirddiaries
February 25, 2011 at 11:27 pm
First of all, I’m depressed that i know that Brooklyn Decker is a super model and Andy Roddick’s wife without even having to google her name. And that she lives in Brooklyn.
I wish I could have gotten a pedicure while I read this. That would have been bliss.
I’m worried that people are using the term “super model” incorrectly these days. And that tennis stars seem to go for the “gorgeous” types.
Twitter: gdrpempress
February 25, 2011 at 11:46 pm
Though your love for making us laugh shines through on this post, it just makes me sad.
Because I wish I really were laying across the floor with you, right now, with the US Weekly open, and cackling to every word you say.
Now, I miss you.
Thank you for suggesting that I on the floor, like an animal. Good grief, even Nicki prefers to sit on the bed.
I try to give to the people and this is what I get in return. Nice.
Awesome. Now I want to go run out and buy the latest issue of US Weekly!
THEY HAVE THAT IN CANADA?
Twitter: theflyingchlupa
February 26, 2011 at 12:01 am
This is exactly what I needed. You are the Tolstoy of Magazine Clubs. I am in. So in. Are you doing this because of Brad Womack? Don’t lie to me. When you lie, Kim Kardashian’s breasts point East.
Brad was like two issues ago. Please. We must stay timely.
Twitter: fromtracie
February 26, 2011 at 12:10 am
I have never read an US Weekly.
How did I not know all the fun I was missing?
Also, I’ve never heard of Esperanza Spalding or Eliza Dushku. Who are these people?
OMG. I told Deborah above that someone else won Justin Bieber’s Grammy, but now I think it was Esperanza. It’s entirely possible that I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Shit!! I only get Entertainment Weekly!! And by get I mean steal from my brother in law, so yeah. Left out again, blogging is just like high school. 😉
Don’t worry! EW is like the Advanced Placement version of US Weekly, so you should be able to follow along with us without any problems. Let me know if you have questions, tutoring may be available.
Twitter: Peajaye
February 26, 2011 at 2:27 am
Not to brag, but on Tuesday I was having lunch with a friend in Beverly Hills, and Dina Lohan was sitting next to us. So naturally, I asked her about the latest Cyrus brew-ha-ha. But she just rolled her eyes and said, “Kids. What can you do?”
Would it be too much to ask for Dina and Billy Rae to hook up?
This is why Borders’ are out of business.
Hey, Borders carries US Weekly. And some other stuff.
Twitter: NYCSingleMom
February 26, 2011 at 7:47 am
Sadly, I can give you pointers on who these people are because I happened to watch too much Entertainment Tonight, read TMZ and Perez Hilton.
But you are doing me service by your hysterically funny comments on each section because I dont read US Weekly which is for me is a read if I am getting my nails done.
Keep up the good work my friend. looking forward to next week’s edition.
And I agree with earlier poster, People too much goodness in that mag not enough trash.
Well, thank you. And since you know who all these people are, I wish you’d educate us, instead of lording your wisdom over us. Showoff.
Twitter: sellabitmum
February 26, 2011 at 7:50 am
Now this is a book club I can believe in, and will promise to do my reading rather than the just coming for the wine that I do now.
Great! But don’t forget the wine!
Twitter: Vtfarmgirl
February 26, 2011 at 8:09 am
Dammit. Now what I am supposed to do to entertain myself on the checkout line at the grocery store?
I know, that’s the real drawback to this feature. How about you spend those checkout line moments to meditate and hope for world peace instead?
Twitter: annsrants
February 26, 2011 at 9:16 am
Marinka,
Thank God for these cliff’s notes. US Weekly is just a little too erudite for me.
I love your blog.
You’re not alone, Ann. You’re not alone. (I mean in feeling that US Weekly is too erudite). BTW, does anyone else get “erudite” and “crudite” confused?
Twitter: hotcomestodie
February 26, 2011 at 9:58 am
Little known Us Weekly Fact. (from one of their contributors, a friend of mine) 95% of people who buy the magazine pronounce it U.S. Magazine, failing to grasp the significance of the little *s* next to the big *U*.
(Even though periods go outside quotation marks there is as yet not a rule on the substituted asterisk. Unless there is a rule and I’m just stubborn)
This really depresses me. Thanks.
Please check out the blog, “So says Southside Mary” I think you have a long lost twin. She needs to be in this new club.
I think everyone needs to be in this club. For self-betterment purposes, of course.
Twitter: homschlr4ever
February 26, 2011 at 4:37 pm
I’m in. Their lives are definitely more interesting than mine and there’s this little tiny part of me that enjoys being catty. I mean, they won’t care. They don’t even know who I am and my daughters will enjoy my having an US Weekly to read instead of Discover, Time Magazine, or National Geographic. YooHoo.
Susan
Great! And hopefully through our hard work, the tiny part of you that enjoys being catty will grow and prosper!
Finally. A reading group I can support whole-heartedly. US is weekly right? Since I only see it when I get my nails done, I guess I’ll have to sacrafice and have a pedicure every week so I can keep up.
That is exactly the level of commitment that I’m looking for in this book err..magazine club. Brava.
Twitter: waitinthevan
February 27, 2011 at 9:55 am
Okay, I caved and bought the magazine last night. But future participation will probably entail me being chased down the magazine aisle after placing post-its and writing notes in unpurchased copies at Barnes & Noble.
That said, did you notice that Gretchen Rossi is wearing a knock-off of the Kate Middleton (ok, fine, Princess Diana) engagement ring? (page 68) They’re now only $99! (See ad section in back!)
I also would like to own Beyonce’s sparkle shoes on page 43. I’ll probably get them mounted as an engagement ring.
Maybe for future US Weekly Chats we should be wearing the Diana Kate ring? Something to consider.
I laughed out loud at the Jersey Shore comment.
I’m one to talk with all the trash TV I watch. And yet, I can’t help it!