Twins

I’m not sure how to bring this up in a politically correct manner, but I’ve noticed something kind of disturbing. It’s the whole Twins Rights Movement and I think it’s threatening our American way of life. If you haven’t heard about it, let me fill you in. There are people, otherwise normal people, who seem to believe that each twin is a separate and distinct person, as opposed to half of a whole. I know it’s madness, don’t strangle the messenger.

I’ll tell you the whole thing from the beginning, so that you can revel in my wisdom.

As you probably know, Young Ladrinka is a big baseball fan. He watches baseball, he plays baseball. Er, that’s it, right? There are no other baseball activities that I should be including in order to convince you that he’s a baseballphile, correct?

So last year he was on a baseball team and met some new kids. Something about “teammates” and “friends” — who the hell knows with kids these days, it’s like they have their own language. And one of these boys invited him to his Bar Mitzvah, which is a joyous celebration of a boy (or a girl for Bat Mitzvah!) coming of age and being able to understand the Torah, and be held accountable for his actions. Up until that point, at least according to the teachings of Grand Rebbe Wikipedia, the child’s parents are responsible for the child’s actions. I don’t know what the hell that means, but I can certainly see how the Bar/Bat Mitzvah must come as a relief to the parents who can basically relax after it’s all over and proclaim their job done.

Back to our story.

Young Ladrinka’s friend invites him to his bar mitzvah and of course we rejoice and dance the hora because who doesn’t like a good party? But then we learn that Young Ladrinka’s friend has a twin sister and she will be having her Bat Mitzvah on the very same day because of the Theory of Kill Two Birds With One Stone.

And then those of us who are named Marinka go into full panic mode, because WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT THE GIFTS? Do we give one gift or two? Do we give identical gifts to our friend and the person with whom he shared the womb? What are the rules?!

I asked a few friends and this is where I ran into a, shall we say, problem. Because according to some Chosen Friends in the Know, you are suppose to give gifts in multiples of $18, because apparently each Hebrew letter corresponds to a number and Chai, which means Life and also overpriced Starbucks drink is numerologically equivalent to 18.

This is one of those answers that raises more questions than I can comfortably deal with, because now in addition to all my other problems, I have to do math. And not only do I have to do math, but I also don’t know if I’m responsible for both twins or just the twin that my kid is friends with. I ask a few people and get very adamant “of course you have to get a separate gift for each!” as though I were suggesting a gift for one and euthanasia for another, and then to add insult to mathematical injury, this one woman says “they’re different people, you know.”

Of course I know that. But also not really. Because you and I, for example, are different people. Totally different. Two peas from different pods. Twins, however: eh. Two peas, same pod. Practically pea soup. So it’s a little less clear, scientifically speaking, that is.

And then, as I’m talking to this woman, I remember that she herself has an identical twin, so obviously she’s biased, because she has her own Twin Rights agenda. I don’t want to point this out to her, because you know how sensitive half-people can get, but I make a mental note of it, nevertheless.

And share that mental note with you. So you can be on the lookout for it. Seriously, look around. You’ll see twins everywhere. Don’t be afraid to ask them if they consider themselves two different people. The answers will surprise you.

One year ago ...

• 2013 Reading List - 2013