Things I Learned in Boot Camp

1.  If at all possible, don’t choose a facility that spells “camp” with a K.  Or two.

2. When you tell your friends that you’re going to boot camp at 5:3o am, and they ask if you’re insane, don’t assume that it’s a rhetorical question.  Seek a professional opinion, instead.

3.  When the check in person asks for your name, resist the urge to respond, “I know my rights, don’t ask, don’t tell.”

4. When signing the waiver at boot camp, try to add some “pre-existing conditions”.  I recommend “weak heart” and “trick knee” and “abdominal wall transplant”.  This may help if you need to “modify” some of the drills.

5. If they play techno crap music at the kamp, don’t ask if this is their version of waterboarding.

6. For some reason, you won’t endear yourself to the drill sergeant  by asking him if he was in ‘Nam.   In your defense, he looks a lot older than 34.  Maybe if he yelled less, he’d be aging better.

7.  When  the drill sergeant  tells you and your platoon to run five laps around the facility, it’s totally futile to tell him that yes, you see where he’s going with this, but everyone knows that AT&T coverage in Manhattan is for shit and that’s why you have a Verizon Blackberry instead of an iPhone and ergo (that’s therefore, Sir! Yes, Sir!) you couldn’t have possibly downloaded the Couch to 5K app yet, so you’re still working on the couch section of that program.  You will let him know just as soon as that changes, of course.

8.  When you’re asked to climb a wall, don’t ask if they are kidding.

9.  And no, they don’t mean “climb the walls” in the Yellow Wallpaper way.

10.  When you’re told to grab a tire and do two laps, don’t motion to your waist and say “besides this one?”

11.  When you are corrected on how to do jumping jacks, don’t mention your graduate degree and that you think you know how to jump while swinging your arms.

12. It will be really hard, but don’t ask “hey, should we be invading a village by now?  Let’s do the West Village first and then spread out to the East!”

13. Swear that you will never return to this hellhole.  As you’re getting changed, chat with a fellow platoon member, totally hit it off and promise her that you’ll be back.