Phone Fun

I called my son yesterday.

“Hello?” he said when he picked up.

“Hi honey, how was your da-”

“Let me interrupt you,” he interrupted me. “Because I am not here right now, so leave a message.”

“Cut it out,” I said.

And then I heard the beep.

Because that was his outgoing voicemail message.

“OMFG,” I said, but after I hung up, because I don’t need to leave THAT voicemail for him.

“You won’t believe my kid’s voicemail message,” I told my colleague and before she had a chance to dash out, I said, “here let me show you!”

And I re-dialed his number.

“What?” he picked up the phone.

“Don’t pick up,” I said. “I want to play your outgoing message for someone.”

“I’m going to pick up every time,” he said. Twelve is a fun, cooperative age.

“Just don’t,” I said. “Come on.” You give them life and then they repay you with this nonsense.

“I will,” he insisted. “You will never hear my message again.”

“Grr,” I said.

“I got to go,” he said.

I sat at my desk, despondent.

My colleague, seeing me in the depths of depression, came to the rescue. I mean, obviously she was really motivated by wanting to hear this message.

“You can use Slydial to go directly to voicemail,” she told me.

“Slydial?” I cocked my head adorably to the side.

“Yeah,” she Googled it and suddenly I had all the answers.

You dial this number, listen to some pre-recorded crap and hailing Satan or something and then dial the number you are calling. And I did. And was magically transported to voicemail.

Obviously I left a loving message which may or may not have included terms like “in your face!” and “ha!” and “your voicemail is my beeyotch!” Or at least two of the three.

“How did you do that?” he eventually asked me.

“Mother’s magic,” I replied, smiling wisely, even though he couldn’t see me over the phone.

“Whatever,” he said, obviously intrigued.

But this program is life-changing. Basically it means that I never have to talk to anyone on the phone ever again. And this holiday season, isn’t that the most important thing?

Slydial: Because why talk when you can leave a message.

This is not a sponsored post. But totally should be.

One year ago ...

• Kristen - 2011