So I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but I think that Husbandrinka is trying to outlive me. Like on purpose. Â You’d think he’d be one of those “I don’t want to live without you” husbands, but that would only be because you’ve never met him. Â A few years ago he started this health and fitness plan and lost tons of weight and I have to remind him that if at any point his thighs are thinner than mine, it’s over. Â I’m pretty sure he’s doing this so that he can marry someone younger and prettier, but I may be slightly paranoid. Â Hey, did I tell you about the pet pig that he just bought me? Â It seems to be under the weather, but Husbandrinka reassures me that I can nurse it back to health.
Anyway.  This morning I saw him weighing himself on the scale and I snuck behind him and put my big toe on the scale and he looked at the numbers and said “I seem to have gained sixty pounds last week,” so of course I started laughing like an idiot and  confessed to toe-ing the scale.  And he said “oh”, and just reweighed himself.
But this is what I don’t understand. Â If you got on the scale and you weighed sixty more pounds than you weighed last week, would you be so matter of fact about it? Â And also, why does my toe weigh sixty pounds? What am I, an elephant?
Speaking of elephants, I hate to use my Jew card, but this swine flu is totally not for me. Â Really, it’s like the last thing that I need right now. Â And I would really appreciate it if it didn’t turn into a pandemic because that’s not a good environment for me. Â Or my giant toe.
One year ago ...
- Nipple Confusion - 2012