Yesterday, my son pulled out a loose tooth and when he came out I momentarily thought that he had the lead role in the oral remake of Carrie.
“What’s with all the blood?” I shrieked because unlike vampires, I’m not really into blood.
“I pulled my tooth out,” he told me. And then he handed it to me, for no apparent reason.
“Can I have $5?” he asked, which I guess means there was a reason, but if you think I’m going to go and edit that sentence, you know me not at all. Blogging without a net, right here, ladies and gentlemen.
By the way, is $5 per tooth still the going rate? It was back in 2009 when he started this whole tooth-losing nonsense but I’m just not sure how Obamacare plays into the whole thing.
And then last night, as he was getting ready to go to sleep, he said “I just hate the empty space.” And I thought “MY SON IS A PHILOSOPHER AND VERY DEEP AND PHILOSOPHERS TOTALLY MAKE A LOT OF MONEY, RIGHT?” But because you’re not supposed to scream things like that out, I said instead: “Oh?”
So he explained that he was referring to the empty space that his tooth left, because it felt weird. Good luck to him if he’s trying to get some kiddie dentures out of me. Eventually he fell asleep, toothless.
In the morning I ran this whole thing by my daughter. She lived through tooth loss more recently than I have, so I was curious about her perspective.
“It’s terrible,” she said. “You spend so much time wiggling the tooth and then one day it’s just gone and you don’t know what to do.”
Childhood, folks.
It’s not for kids.
___________________________________
Note from Marinka (which is somehow different from the blog post right above it, also by Marinka): I haven’t updated this blog for weeks, which is very unlike me, for I’m very blathery. But every time I started a post, it felt false, because there’s something on my mind and I’ve decided not to blog about it, and as comfortable as I am with my decision, it’s the whole elephant in the room thing–do I mention it, do I blog around it, do I contact the local zoo to see if they’re missing an elephant, should I name it and pray that it doesn’t have a peanut allergy? Do elephants get peanut allergies? Or is it a stereotype that elephants love peanuts? So let me just get it over with. I’m getting a divorce but we are all ok. And I need to leave it at that. I mean, obviously you’ll probably want to send me gifts and tons of jewelry (remember my deathly allergy to anything semi-precious!) and I suppose I’ll have to set up a depository to receive it all, but that’s what the youngsters are calling “tomorrow’s problem!”
So now that that’s out of the way, I’m hoping that I will be able to get back to humor blogging. Thanks for reading. And for the gifts, obviously. You shouldn’t have.
One year ago ...
- Nice - 2019
{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }
Jewelry on the way, for sure! Love you, funny lady.
Twitter: NonaNelson
January 6, 2014 at 7:14 pm
Sorry to hear about the split. Wishing the best for you and your kids.
Oh man. Sorry to hear it.
The tooth loss and the divorce.
People are dropping like flys.
It’s scarring me.
And I mean $5 for a tooth??!! Jesus
I found the tooth self extraction very moving. And
Actually remember this happening in my house and have a tooth the fairy took on exchange for
Five dollars. She builds castles with the teeth why
They must be left under the pillow , the tooth for
The fiver. Seems some correlation between a hole in the mouth that feels odd and a divorce.
But I may be a demented individual . What about
a coctail with your jewelry?
Aw crap. Sorry about the split. That sucks.
As for the tooth, WOW! They are worth a lot more than they used to be. Isn’t vintage cool again? You could claim vintage status and give him .50 cents for the tooth. That’s what I used to get. Then you would be a hipster mom.
I’m sorry to hear that. Also, I look forward to reading about your match.com experiences.
Twitter: hessleman
January 7, 2014 at 12:38 am
I said, “Ohhhh” out loud when I read this. Marriage is hard. I’m so sorry! Hope that everything works out ok for you all.
Twitter: carinnjade
January 7, 2014 at 8:01 am
You’ve been missed but now that you’re back you’re just as funny as ever.
Divorces are like blogs — there are millions of them out there (so you’re not alone — although I’m not saying you’re common because yours is special, just like you. Naturally.).
Virtual hugs (because germs and flu season, you know? Also, weird strangers like me.)
Twitter: Mamabirddiaries
January 7, 2014 at 8:01 am
$2 bucks a tooth lady. You are being shaken down. And as for the split, I will be here for you. Xo
been there done that, bought that teeshirt and returned it. It’ll be ok, especially with all the consolation cocktails, jewelry and all. Plus, $5 for a tooth is too much. You’re being scammed. Pretty soon he’ll be pulling out all his teeth just for the dough.
Aren’t apartments in NY small? In which case the elephant was taking up too much room. Sending virtual pearls, in lieu of pearls of wisdom which I aint got.
Clutch the pearls…and your sense of humor.
Only you could make getting a divorce a humorous elephant in the room. Thanks for your hilarious writing. Wishing you peace and less blood.
So sorry to hear that. Hope you and yours are holding up ok. Remember: wine is medicine.
I have been thinking of you, Marinka, I love you dearly and if I can do anything, please ask. I think I have some real gold somewhere upstairs in a drawer I can send.
Now that the sincere best wishes and onward woman sentiment is noted, I must tell you, I never took you for an elephantist. Indeed, not all elephants like peanuts.
I thought that thinking went out in the ’70’s.
Twitter: jodifur
January 7, 2014 at 11:32 am
I’m sorry to hear that, both the tooth and the other news. Sending hugs and love and stay warm.
Thanks for getting it out of the way so you can keep writing.
I’ve stumbled onto your blog and glad I have. Where should I send my gift?
Twitter: Midlifemixtape
January 7, 2014 at 11:47 am
OMG HOW MUCH JEWELRY DOES IT TAKE?
(Here’s a peanut for the elephant, now shoo it down the hall so you can start to move on.)
Twitter: annsrants
January 7, 2014 at 11:50 am
My 9 yo lost his last tooth and asked the fairy for $5. She complied and I plan to submit this for “The Fleecing of America.”
Sending you love and strength and rubies.
Gah. Shall we go out for a drink at a bar that has peanuts? As you know, I have your pot. 🙂
Going rate here in suburban Ga for little girls’ teeth (I have 3 daughters – almost 18, 10 and 9) is five bucks for tooth #1, $1 each one after that. Although the two youngest found out the truth about santy claus, tooth fairy, etc a few months ago – you know- that they drink and live in a hippie commune in Arizona.
I went through a big d in 2006. It was hell on earth. I remarried in 2008 and everything’s pretty cool.
Good luck and hang in there, it gets better.
Twitter: Missy_Stevens
January 7, 2014 at 2:09 pm
$1. One Dollar. That’s what teeth bring in around here. It’s a “gold” Sacagawea coin, but still. Anybody mentions other options to my kids, let’s just say I know people who can get things done (like really, I know people are so productive, it’s boggling).
I’m sorry for your other news. Thoughts with you and yours!
Just gave M $5 for a tooth. I guess I’m a pushover. Speaking of which, shall I send gold, sterling, or platinum with your jewels? Love you!
Wishing you the best.
I’ve missed your blog. I’m sorry for the hurting I’m certain is there, even though you don’t want to blog about it.
Twitter: grandemocha
January 7, 2014 at 4:03 pm
Was the elephant in the apartment the issue? Because if my husband picked his pet elephant over me, I’d be pissed too. 😉
Thinking about you dear friend. xo
Hugs!!! xoxo
Ha, you not getting anything from me lady. But, Prays a heartfelt sorry and a long distance xo!!
Twitter: latorres
January 7, 2014 at 7:47 pm
I’m so sorry to hear about your elephant. I think you “blogged” about it perfectly. Sometimes we’re so used to sharing our lives that it doesn’t occur to is that it’s play to keep something private. We think our readers must know! Sending happy thoughts to you and your elephant.
(Ps I’ll be at MomCom in Austin if you’re still coming. I look forward to meeting you!)
I will totally be sending large gifts. Keep your eyes open for them.
Hi, $5 wow ! My best to you and your family.
Missed you, love you, jewelry on the way! xoxo
If only I’d stop losing your address.
Try lottery tickets for the tooth.
Twitter: scarymommy
January 7, 2014 at 10:12 pm
Oh, crap, Marinka. Love to you. In a big blue Tiffany box.
Love renewal and teeth renewal to you and yours. xxxooo, my friend.
Twitter: debontherocks
January 7, 2014 at 10:37 pm
Empty spaces end up being pretty cool after the initial shock. You can poke a straw through them. An olive and a smile. Stuff like that. xoxo
Twitter: debontherocks
January 7, 2014 at 10:37 pm
Empty spaces end up being pretty cool after the initial shock. You can poke a straw through them. An olive and a smile. Stuff like that. xoxo
If anyone can get back to humor blogging in this situation, my money would be on you. Hugs.
At today’s rate 5$ equals 3.6€, so I suggest you move to Europe.
I’m sorry to hear about the divorce and hope you are going to be ok.
Do you prefer diamonds or saphires?
Sending love. It’s much cheaper than diamonds, and is frankly all I have. However if you lose any teeth I’ll be all over it with 3.6€ (see above).
xoxo Marinka
Actually, that last bit should have been “Marinka, xoxo (hugs and kisses) Jennie”
I don’t want people to think you’ve started commenting on your own posts.
I’m weird.
I’m glad you were able to speak your story, even in whisper. Here we all are ready for hugs, drinks, high fives, what have you.
Take us up on it if you need to.
I so enjoy your posts. My favorites are the ones about your parents, but everything you write about just cracks me up and brightens my day. I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through a divorce. My prayers are with you and your family. Oh- and I hope you’re still working on your book. I’ll be the first to buy it.
Twitter: theflyingchlupa
January 8, 2014 at 10:58 am
Here for you, my friend. Goddamn elephants. xo
Really sorry to hear your news. To make you feel better I’m going to go out this weekend and kill some narwhals and use their tusks to make jewelry that I will send to you and I think it’s okay because narwhal ivory is probably legal and even if not, well… fuck narwhals, anyhow.
He’s STILL losing teeth? I’m horrified. I think those tiny little fallen teeth are disgusting. (In my own children, I’m sure your son’s teeth are like little nuggets of gold.) I thought we were almost done. Sad.
Also, I love you and you’re in my thoughts.
Twitter: vboykis
January 8, 2014 at 3:59 pm
Holy crap, that sucks a lot. When I was little I only got $1/tooth.
<3
Twitter: Glamamom
January 11, 2014 at 9:08 pm
Big hug M. I fled the big city this fall but I’m within “Shit I drank too much better call an Uber” distance and hope to grab a drink and catch up soon. Remember how much fun I am? XO
Very clever way to bring up The Elephant!
I’m wishing you new beginnings filled with hope and happiness!
No kids of my own but my brother made the mistake of telling my nephew that the tooth fairy would probably be able to handle 5 of the currency of whatever country they were in at the time. He got 5 pounds when he visited me, then when they were in Paris, he forced another tooth out because Euros are worth more than Canadian dollars. He’s trying to keep the rest in until they’re in Italy. In May.
Because they have such a rough life. 🙂
Shitty about the peanuts.
I want to be your rebound. Too soon? Love you, and your humor. YOU are an incredible woman