Nicki is a Crack Whore

I’m sorry to give everything away in the title, but I am in a tender (is the night) state and can’t beat around (the burning) bush.

Nicki, my beloved furbaby cat is addicted to catnip. (Incidentally, contrary to what you may think, catnip are not cat nipples. That’s probably a good thing, because having a drug addicted cat is bad enough but having a cat sexual fetishist is another category of bizzaro that I can’t deal with.)

The other night I was setting up the couch to go sleep (don’t worry, Husbandrinka and I are still blissfully together, but he had ManStrep and his coughing and breathing was gagging me so I retired to the couch.) And that’s when I observed Nicki rolling around in her cat condo like some kind of a crazed blessed out loon.

“What the hell?” I thought-said out loud.

“Oh, she’s having her catnip,” my daughter said as though this was a normal activity at our house.

So I was all live and let live and went to sleep, where sleep equals being jarred awake by Nicki rolling around and purring and being a catbitch.

By the morning I was destroyed.

“Who the hell gave her catnip?” I asked. No one knew.

“It was probably your mother,” Husbandrinka suggested.

I considered it.

It was certainly a possibility. Mama has a cat herself, so she could be getting it in bulk and sharing the wealth.

I called her later in the day.

“Did you give Nicki catnip?” I asked after exchanging a few pleasantries which are never that pleasant.

“I did,” she said, not without pride.

“Well don’t, please. She was completely insane last night.”

Mama became defensive.

“Why do you think it was because catnip?” she asked. “It could be she is upset you have a TV in every room.”

Yes, that is a direct quote (translated from Russian). Mama thinks that Nicki could be upset that there is a TV in the room and that’s why she’s agitated.

And not because she is taking drugs.

“Just please don’t give her anymore. She could get addicted,” I pleaded. I have no idea if cats can get addicted to catnip but I am addicted to sleep and I haven’t been getting any.

“But catnip makes her happy and she is so bored without it!”

This is the woman who raised me, incidentally.

I’m a little scared to think back to the days when I was little and complained of boredom– surely Mama didn’t have me dropping acid?! I mean The Magic Garden was totally a real TV show, I didn’t make that shit up, right?!

But the good news is that Mama and I reached an understanding. She won’t give Nicki any more catnip and I won’t accuse her of drugging the shit out of me during my youth.

So everything is fine.

Except Nicki seems to have lost the will to live.

One year ago ...

• Planned - 2010