Most of the Real Housewives of New York and Me

Guess what I did tonight?

I went to a Kodak-sponsored event that was hosted by RHONY’s own Jill Zarin, one of my top five favorite Real Housewives of New York. As soon as I got to the hotel, I was asked to sign a nondisclosure manifesto. So let me reassure you that I will not be disclosing anything, and not just because I was too busy sampling all the signature cocktails.

I signed my life away and then the check in lady told me that Bravo was filming and OMG, can you guess what they were filming? It wasn’t Shear Genius, but it certainly would have been my lucky day if they were styling hair. Yes, it was RHONY.

All the fabulous ladies were there. Kelly, The Countess, Jill, of course, and Ramona. Also Bobby! And Allie!

Here are my somewhat catty observations:

* Is LuAnn’s ex husband blind or something? Because he may be a Count, but she’s a fucking goddess.

* Kelly is beautiful too. And both she and LuAnn are so tall. And thin. Fuck.

* Kelly is also smiley.

and toothy.

* Jill is adorable. There was a woman who was doing her make up that looked so superglamorous it was almost too much for me. The make up woman reminded me of Anna Nicole Smith. Except, you know, alive.

* Ramona has a cute new haircut. She is shorter than the others. Also, she was kind of off to the side.

* Except when Jill was making a presentation, there was a Raising of the Voices and everyone looked over and Ramona and Kelly were having a heated exchange. I can’t remember what was said, I think it was along the lines of “Do you read The Mouthy Housewives? That’s where I get all my advice!” and then Ramona said, “Yes, I love it!” or maybe something else that ended with Ramona STORMING OUT and Kelly saying “Bye! Hope you enjoyed that” or SOMETHING. Shit, I’d be the worst spy. But it was totally dramatic and JUST LIKE ON TV!

* The only RHONY that I saw eating anything was Jill. So I took a picture.

* I am a very bad photographer with a piece of shit for a camera.

As you can see, there were people there with bigger and better cameras. Also, they seemed to be following the concept of FACING the subject that they were photographing. Show offs.
* It wasn’t until I got home that I realized that Bethenny wasn’t there. I didn’t miss her.

* I stood right next to Bobby a few times. Yes, you all may touch me.

* I did miss Alex and Simon, though.

* I am now having a huge anxiety attack that I was secretly filmed by Bravo. Probably talking to myself. And putting hors d’ovaries into my purse.

It was so much fun! I didn’t talk to anyone except like the head of Kodak or something and the barkeep, but I’m pretty sure that the Real Housewives of New York and I are totally best friends now. God, I hope they want to borrow my clothes. Or lend me theirs.

One year ago ...

• A lot to take - 2013