My parents and I immigrated to the United States in the 1970s, in the late spring, when I was ten years old, and by that summer the novelty of New York had worn off and I was supremely bored.
I wasn’t the teenage-bored yet, of course, where boredom melds into ennui, but I was bored becauseI had fuckall to do and no one to do it with. Because crystal meth
hadn’t been invented yet, I decided to sew my own beach bag. I’d thrown some gingham material together and for my pièce de résistance I thought it would be fun to embroider the word BEACH. Look, I’d like to see what kind of catchy slogans you’d come up with if you’d grown up under the influence of Karl Marx Avenue instead of Madison Avenue. A slightly different take on Mad Men if you ask me. Affiliate link, by the way. I’m learning.
Anyway. I told my Mama my embroidering plan and she froze.
“Beach?” She said.
“Beach,” I said.
“Beech?”
“Yes, beech.”
“Is that the thing with sand or rude word for dog woman?”
“I think it’s the sand one.”
“Are you sure?”
I was ten! Ripped from my motherland! I wasn’t sure of a thing!
“No,” I confessed.
“Better not risk then,” Mama warned me. And I agreed.
Because the possibility of humiliation of embroidering THAT OTHER WORD was too much.
And it gave me pause. I didn’t embroider a damn thing on my beach bag rather than risk embroidering the wrong thing.
Fortunately, today’s youngsters are not as restrained as I was.
They are more confident in their assholness.
At my subway stop, I saw a poster for a local newscast, annotated.
Behold:
and the co-anchor:
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the illiterate. Some of my favorite people were illiterate. But if you’re an illiterate moron, maybe not take it upon yourself to write comments in public places.
And it reminded me of this. Enjoy.
One year ago ...
- Candy Farm - 2013
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: NorthWestMommy
May 5, 2011 at 1:00 am
All the spelling talk on your posts this week is making me nervous. I have been making terrible mistakes for days. Will stay away from any embroidery or posters. Love the post you linked on Baba Polya!
Twitter: ssmirnov
May 6, 2011 at 1:14 am
How is Stasha always the first commenter on every post?
Twitter: NorthWestMommy
May 6, 2011 at 3:40 am
Now I look like a mad stalker. Which I am, but nobody wants to admit to that! It is a West coast thing…
Twitter: sellabitmum
May 5, 2011 at 6:55 am
Great – now I have to ignore my children all day to read that website. Thank you.
Twitter: janatude
May 5, 2011 at 7:16 am
I couldn’t agree with you more! Where is Lynn Truss when you need her to correct signs with her Sharpie?
Hoe=gardening tool
Hoe= ‘how’ in Dutch
Perhaps they where practising their Dutch?
Twitter: missbritt
May 5, 2011 at 8:23 am
That’s what happens when you don’t have spell check.
When are kids going to learn that the only place words should be put down are on the computer?
Twitter: clevertitletk
May 5, 2011 at 9:09 am
Priceless. Sort of like the great “Satin Lives!” graffiti on Long Island… 😉
Twitter: MisfitMommy
May 5, 2011 at 9:21 am
THAT is hilarious! I think I’d need a picture of that hanging somewhere in my office!
Twitter: MisfitMommy
May 5, 2011 at 9:19 am
Sadly, this has reached ‘management’ positions as well. As I went through the KFC drive-thru the other day, I noticed a sticker on the cash register that simply said “cash shortiges are unexeptible.” Too bad those red squiggly lines don’t show up under misspelled words in real life…
Twitter: SelfishMom
May 5, 2011 at 9:23 am
David Thorne is one of the funniest people on the planet. The fact that he isn’t a household name pains me. Thank you for spreading his incredibly dry gospel.
Twitter: mom101
May 5, 2011 at 9:28 am
This post is stupid. Your an idiot.
Twitter: AdorkableKati
May 5, 2011 at 9:53 am
dohnt wery bout ofendin tha ‘literits. thay wuldnt git it N-E-wayz.
My mom is from Brazil and she cannot understand the difference in pronunciation between the two words. The sand one and the female dog one. But there is also sheep and ship, and sheet and … We have spent countless hours trying to get her to repeat all the different words, and she says she’s give up and doesn’t care if she sounds offensive anymore.
Twitter: hip2housewife
May 5, 2011 at 10:24 am
You no, weather or not sumbuddy can spell – well, it doesn’t really matter. Sum of are best people can’t right at all. Their are a lot moor important things in life.
My favorite is “fak the sistem”. Indeed, it has been fakd really bad.
Twitter: Mamabirddiaries
May 5, 2011 at 11:05 am
That link is hilarious. I’m going to buy you a beach bag.
Haha. I love it. Other people’s spelling errors make me feel superior.
We had a sign here that was encouraging us to vote NO on the local school levies…..only they spelled levies wrong.
Some signs speak for the writers more they’d like.
The levies passed.
Oh I forgot to mention there was a sign underneath pointing out the error and encouraging people to support education! hehe
My dad keeps going “bullocks” while he obviously means the contents of the male genital sacks.
So ironic. I was just watching my favorite movie “Rude Word for Dog Women”, starring Bette Midler and Barbara Hershey.
Twitter: theflyingchlupa
May 6, 2011 at 12:55 am
You would have been so rad if you walked around with the word “BITCH” on your bag.
But you’re right. Kids today are open and confidently assholes. I think that’s why I’m so scared of them.
Love the foggot thing – I couldn’t stop reading.
Twitter: ssmirnov
May 6, 2011 at 1:15 am
“Rude word for dog woman.”
I will never stop laughing.
Twitter: getgoinggirly
May 6, 2011 at 7:55 am
Kids today can’t spell because all they do is text – in texting land if you take the time to spell things correctly, use correct grammar and complete sentences you are a troll. What scares me more as I watch my own kids evolve into teenagers is their generation seems to embrace their assholeness and wear it as a badge of honor. Kids are living their lives online – breaking up on facebook, bullying the weak with posts that go viral in seconds. These kids never have to look someone in the eye and face the consequences of what they do. I know there are kids out there who are truly brave and brash in a way that I never could have been, but I am afraid that they are outnumbered by the others, the cowards who hide behind their laptops.
Twitter: asideofrice
May 6, 2011 at 8:00 am
Sign outside of our local high school this morning : Piant Sale – Lots of Colors. Evidently, the National Honor Society doesn’t have a Chapter there.
This was just so delightfully funny. 🙂
Twitter: gdrpempress
May 6, 2011 at 10:37 am
I know, I know.
All these conversations: so familiar.
And it is sweet due justice that the misspellings scream idiocy louder than anyone could to their faces.
Twitter: TheSuniverse
May 6, 2011 at 12:55 pm
My family also pronounces Beach as Bitch. And also Beech. Which is a major road here. Awesome.
Twitter: peaceloveguac
May 6, 2011 at 4:05 pm
Hey, I learned a new word today: assholness! Or should it be assholeness?
But it would have totally ROCKED if you had written THE OTHER WORD on your bag. Or “beech”. Because a bag with a tree name embroidered would be awesome.
I just learned what it was to “guffaw” whilst reading the link about the emails. Holy Mary Mother. What an idiot.