Letter Writing Tips for My Husband’s Future Mistress

Yesterday, the New York Post printed a letter from Brooke, who’s in her 20s, and already having sex with a married man!  Apparently, Brooke wrote a letter to Steve Phillips’ wife telling her about the affair that she’s been having with Steve.  (I had no idea who Steve is, but apparently he was the general manager of the Mets and is now an ESPN star, which seems like an oxymoron, but whatever.)  According to the letter, Steve has a big birthmark on his crotch, right above his penis.  Good luck trying to get that image out of head.

There are many things that fascinate me about the letter–like Brooke’s claim that she and Steve  got into an argument because he refused to be honest with his wife about their relationship.  Because if you are having an adulterous affair, you want to make sure that everyone involved is absolutely honest about it.

The other thing that I appreciated was Brooke’s telling Steve’s wife that

I was raised Catholic too and while I know our faith dissuades divorce, it also respects it with regards to infidelity because people should have the opportunity to be with the whomever makes them happy and can give them what they need.

Has the Vatican signed off on this?  Because that’s a message that they need to get  out more–people will be converting at super-rapid rates.  I mean, I’m pretty certain that I should have the opportunity to be with George Clooney, and if the Catholic faith will make that happen, I’ll just have to give up  my beloved Matzoh Balls and convert.

But the whole issue got me thinking.  About me and Husbandrinka.  Sure, we are enjoying marital bliss right now, but who’s to say that he won’t have a fling at some point? Not anyone who’s been exposed to my personality, that’s for sure.

So, in planning ahead, here are some pointers that I would like his future mistress to keep in mind, in  the event that she decides to write me a letter.

1.  Keep it brief.  A tweet will suffice.

2. If you’re not on Twitter, I prefer email.  Snail mail is so stalky.

3. Although if you do the stalky, go ahead and boil that rabbit. But only if it’s in a hearty stew.  Who doesn’t like dinner waiting for them?

4.  Please proofread your letter.  Thrice.  Typos really bother me.  Watch those run-on sentences!

5.  Try to avoid the cliches.  Yes, yes, I know. I’m his wife and I don’t understand him.  I have over a year’s worth of blog posts to prove it.

6.  Don’t be like Brooke and write “I may be only 22”.  Because that’s just mean. Other phrases to avoid include “my breasts are super bouncy” and “I’m not quite sure what stretch marks are.”

7.  It’s totally OK to refer to yourself as an “adulterous whore” in the letter. I won’t be offended.

8. Please don’t mention words like honesty and love. Or trick pelvis.

There, I think that should do it.  And Husbandrinka agrees.  Tonight, when I told him that I was going to write this post,  he said, “hey, that’s a great idea!”  Because he can tell that his mistress of the future is a moron and will need all the help that she can get.

Hey, wait a minute!

One year ago ...

• Untitled - 2012