Killer

Recently I had to do something unpleasant.

I had to tell my friend that her husband resembled the serial killer on American Horror Story. Bloody Face, to be exact. (Oh, if you’re spoiler-free for American Horror Story and don’t want to know who Bloody Face is, maybe stop reading now. Or maybe stop pretending that you’re going to watch the show one day.)

Back to my friend and her serial killer husband. I noticed the resemblance a while ago and wasn’t sure if I should say something. On the one hand, I feel like I owed it to her to let her know. Because it seems like a friendly thing to do. On the other hand, I didn’t force her to marry him, so how is any of this my business?

I struggled with this moral dilemma for a while and then I saw her on Friday night, I just blurted it out.

“I noticed your husband looks like the psycho on American Horror Story,” I told her. She didn’t seem alarmed at all, and told me that she doesn’t watch that show.

“The actor is the same one that was Spock on the new Star Trek,” I explained. “Not Leonard Nimoy,” I clarified. Unfortunately none of my friends are married to men who look like Leonard Nimoy. That’s a real loss, as far as I’m concerned.

She knew who I was talking about, but claimed that she didn’t see the resemblance between that actor as Spock and her husband. Which makes sense, because he doesn’t look like Spock, he looks like a serial killer. If he looked like Spock, I wouldn’t be so worried about the whole situation. Like what’s the worse thing that can happen? He pokes her eye out with his ear?

“Well he looks like the psycho,” I said but she just sort of laughed it off. This is how people become lampshades.

I think she’s going through some sort of Stockholm Syndrome in the middle of New York City and it’s hard for her to hear the truth. You’d think she would thank me for shining the light, but apparently love is blind and that’s why she can’t see what I’m saying.

You be the judge. This is the American Horror Story guy:

And this is my friend’s husband:

But I felt good about telling her because now when he’s arrested, I can be all “I told you so!” which is the main point of friendship.

One year ago ...

• Bargain - 2013