There are things that I do not understand about Jennifer Aniston and I’m tired of living alone with my pain. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from my gay friends, other than that I’m failing fag haggery because I don’t love show tunes, it’s that Silence=Death, so I’m going to be chatty about it.
The main thing that I don’t understand about Jennifer Aniston is why the fuck is she in every romantic comedy that has come out in the last decade?! I mean, how does she find the time, in between having failed relationships with men who do not approach her fabulesness, maintaining that fantastic body of hers, cashing all those Friends residuals checks and poking the Angelina voodoo doll?
I bet she has an assistant.
The sub-main thing is the whole romantic comedy genre and Jennifer Aniston. Is this really wise? I mean she was the wronged woman in the middle of one of the most public splits of the last decade. Isn’t it like having Lindsay Lohan making successive movies in a “clean living is great” genre?
The sub-main thing once removed is why does Angelina channel Dr. Lillith Sternin? Is it so that we don’t all die of instant jealousy? Does the UN require her to de-glam for our benefit?
The not-very-main-thing-at-all is that while I was getting a pedicure last week, I read an article in Elle by Jennifer Aniston’s best friend and I could hardly concentrate on it because I thought that we knew that Courtney Cox was Jennifer Aniston’s best friend.
The not-very-main-thing-at-all, subsector 1 is that now I’m not sure that the Elle magazine article writer said that she was best friends with Jennifer Aniston or just “friends”. Or, OMG, what is she considers Jennifer Anniston her best friend and Jennifer Aniston just considers her a “friend”.
The it could be sort of the main thing, but I’m not sure, is how come Jennifer Aniston doesn’t get a cool nickname like a normal celebrity. I recommend Janniston. If she went by Janiston, she could totally also be a rap star. No more need for romantic comedies!
So, I’m sure that Janiston will be calling me soon and begging me to be her agent. In which case, she’ll also be known as Janistinka. Although I’m worried about the “stinka” at the end of that name. That’s gangsta and shit.
One year ago ...
- Texts From a Marriage - 2013