I’m in Imminent Danger!

Susan on the steps of the NYC's Plaza Hotel.

This is Susan. Isn’t she lovely?

Say “hi” to Susan, everyone.

I’ve known Susan for over 20 years.  We were roommates, and BFFs and she is my daughter’s godmother.

I love Susan.

Susan is nice.

Susan is trying to kill me.  I’ve already reported it to the authorities, but now I’m reporting it to you.

If you read my blog and do not suffer from dementia, you know that I was diagnosed with lardass-ism last week.

So I am trying to lose weight.

“Whenever you want to go jogging, I’m available!” Susan emailed me.

“How about a power walk instead?” I wrote back.  Because I believe in baby steps.  Which probably means I should have suggested a crawl instead, but I’m a bit of an overachiever.

“Sure!” she was on board. “Let’s meet at 10 on Saturday.”

I saw an easy out.  Because “unfortunately”, that is the time that I take my kids to karate. Motherhood is not for those who selfishly place their own wellbeing before that of their precious children.

“I can go at 8 am and not one second later,” I fired back. Certainly, Susan would want to sleep in on a Saturday and our power walk would have to be postponed until my children were black belts.

“Great, see you at 8,” she agreed.

On Saturday morning I woke up at 7:50 am.  For those of you who do not have a PhD in higher math, that left me only 10 minutes to get dressed and time travel 50  blocks uptown.

I was going to be late. I left Susan a message and jumped into a cab.

* * *

I arrived 10 minutes late at the Plaza, our designated meeting spot.

Susan was waiting for me.

“If you are late for weight loss, weight loss will be late for you,” she told me. “Next Saturday, we’re meeting at 7:30. Penalty.”
“Whatever,” I said. “Should we grab breakfast at the Plaza?”
“No,” Susan said and led me to Central Park.
Unfortunately, some other people had the bright idea to run a Race for Haiti on the same day.

“Look,” I told Susan, “I don’t want to be trampled to death.” I think I was being entirely reasonable.

“We’ll just walk on the side,” Susan reassured me.
We walked on the side. Unfortunately, the bikers were on the side as well, gunning for me.
Susan didn’t seem to want to discuss our imminent death by bikers, however.
“So what’s with this gaining 20 pounds?” Susan asked me. Because she reads my blog.
“I got weighed at the doctor’s and I gained 20 pounds,” and thank you for making me relive that horror.
“I thought you may have been exaggerating,” Susan said.
“Are you calling me a liar?” I gasped. Because I was out of breath, not because I was shocked.
“No,” she said. “But sometimes you blog-exaggerate.”
“I’ve never exaggerated once in my life.” I huffed. (Out of breath again, not drug addiction).
“Well,” Susan said, “I have tips for you. You should start out with exercising three days a week.”
“Start with three?” I fainted. Not from shock, though, but because I was exhausted by our power walk. “Three times a week is like Olympic calibre fanaticism. Maybe you’d like me to take steroids too?”
“No,” she reassures me, “Olympic athletes train six or seven days a week. You’ll start with three.”
“Okay, I’ll start with three,” and end with a coffin, I muttered under my breath. “Hey what’s this Mt. Kilamonjaro doing in the middle of Central Park?”
“That’s a slight incline,” Susan told me.
And then Susan suggested that I take a spinning class because it burns a lot of calories.
And unfortunately, when I checked, there’s a free spinning class at my local gym.
Except as Husbandrinka pointed out, “it’s not free, you pay for it with your membership.”
The other unfortunate thing about it is that it’s at 6:30 on Tuesday morning.
Husbandrinka thinks that I’m not going to make it to that class.
Place your bets now!

________________________________________________
In all seriousness, thank you Susan for coming out with me on Saturday and for motivating me and for committing to our weekly power walk. If I have to haul ass all over Central Park on a weekend morning, there’s no one that I’d rather do it with.

One year ago ...

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