I Support MADD. But I’m Against Kristallnacht

I support MADD. And to the extent that you look to me for spiritual, moral and charitable guidance, I encourage you to consider supporting MADD, as well. But I don’t support this.

One of my proudest achievements is that I weaned all my friends from sending me crap emails.  So imagine my surprise when the other day I get this load forwarded to me:

I went to a  party,
And  remembered what you said.
You  told me not to drink, Mum
So  I had a Sprite instead.

Nice Sprite placement! Although you could have had a V-8!  Back to the Poetry!

I  felt proud of myself,
The  way you said I would,
That  I didn’t drink and drive,
Though  some friends said I should.

I’m sorry, is this person eight years old?

And  your advice to me was right,
The  party finally ended,
And  the kids drove out of sight.

Yeah, thank god the party ended. Because it seemed to last an eternity.

I  got into my car,
Sure  to get home in one piece,
I  never knew what was coming, Mum
Something  I expected least.

Really? Because I saw this from a mile away.

Now  I’m lying on the pavement,
And  I hear the policeman say,
The  kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mum,  his voice seems far away.
My  own blood’s all around me,
As  I try hard not to cry.
I  can hear the paramedic say,
This  girl is going to die.

Why, why? Why would someone who can rhyme so well, be taken from us, straight to hell?
(I’m sorry! It’s not my fault that I’m not a poet. And you know it.)
P.s. If you’re on your deathbed, or death-pavement, as the case may be, I think it’s ok to cry.

I’m  sure the guy had no idea,
While  he was flying high,
Because  he chose to drink and drive,
Now  I would have to die.
So  why do people do it, Mum
Knowing  that it ruins lives?
And  now the pain is cutting me,
Like  a hundred stabbing knives.
Someone  should have taught him,
That  it’s wrong to drink and  drive.
Maybe  if his parents had,
I’d  still be alive.
My  breath is getting shorter, Mum
I’m  getting really scared.
These  are my final moments,
And  I’m so unprepared.
I  wish that you could hold me Mum,
As  I lie here and die.
I  wish that I could say, ‘I love you, Mum!’
So  I love you and good-bye.

So I’m thinking that I sort of get the Don’t Drink and Drive message without having a semi-literate British young ‘un sending me email forwards to her mother from beyond the grave.  I read The Lovely Bones, so I know that dead people are watching us from the sky, but I’d just as soon if they were more Guardian Angel and less Guilt Me Into Forwarding Spam.

Lest you think that’s all there was to the email, it went on. They want me to forward this goodness to everyone I know so that we all sign the petition that Drunk Driving is bad. You know, all my friends who previously thought that drunk driving was good.

If you receive this petition and do nothing but delete it, your selfishness knows no bounds.

What is this, Jewish Mothers Against Drunk Driving? JMADD.
(By the way, some intense research, i.e. Googling, reveals that this is not a MADD-approved email. Thank goodness.)

Oh, but wait. My inbox had more in store for me this week.

Remember John’s friend, The Lady Ashfield? Who was poised to become this blog’s co-gay? Well, over the weekend, he emails me this:

Kristallnacht

TODAY AND TOMORROW IS THE ANNIVERSARY OF KRISTALLNACHT. IT WAS THE START OF THE HOLOCAUST. PLEASE PASS THIS ON.

IN MEMORY

I thought you would be interested in moving this on toward the 6 million people needed to match the number killed in the Holocaust……

–

–

First of all, that Menorah is giving me seizures.

Second of all, does the whole forward it to six million people, because that’s how many Jews were murdered in the Holocaust idea make sense to anybody else?

Anyone who’s not on acid, I mean.

Because if I am murdered, as a result of genocide, for example, I can guarantee that I will not give a shit if you spam someone in my honor. Unless you do it with a poem that was “written” by me, I suppose.

It is now more than 60 years after the Second World War in Europe ended. This e-mail is being sent as a memorial chain, in memory of the six million Jews who were massacred . Now, more than ever, with Iran, among others, claiming the Holocaust to be “a myth,” it is imperative to make sure the world never forgets.
This e-mail is intended to reach six million people worldwide!
Join us and be a link in this memorial chain and help us distribute it around the world.
Please send this e-mail to people you know and ask them to continue this memorial chain.

So, by this logic, shouldn’t we send this email to the people in Iran? Because nothing will refute Iran’s stupidity like a e-chain letter.

And also, groan. For those of you who didn’t see Lady Gaga’s performance on Sunday night at the American Music Awards in honor of Kristallnacht, isn’t it so awkward when you get a Kristallnacht email from someone before you have a chance to get the Kristallnacht cards out for the season.  

But then, what’s this?  The Lady Ashfield sent a follow up email, letting me know that Kristallnacht was actually on November 9 to 10, 1938.  So we’re like over a year late for the big 60 commemoration.

Nice.

So the lesson is, don’t send me Spam. And definitely don’t drink and drive. Or vandalize Jewish people’s homes and business.

Have a happy, safe holiday, everyone! See you soon.
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Kids off from school and you’re terrified? One of my favorite funny ladies has some great tips for you. You’re welcome.

One year ago ...

• Other People's Children - 2008