I Have Fantastic News. About My Ass

Last month I attended a Wacoal event in NYC and was fitted for a bra of my dreams and yours.

I loved everything about this event– from the invitation that promised cocktails and small bites (we’ll see about that, I thought) to the fact that it was held on a top floor of a midtown  hotel suite and that in the middle of the whole thing I was led to the bathroom palace and measured for a bra.  Since whenever I’m escorted to a bathroom in a hotel I fully expect to wake up in an ice-filled bathtub sans some of my favorite internal organs, being merely measured was indeed a relief.

The measuring lady diagnosed me as a double D.

It was a beautiful moment and I started to make plans for my imminent career as a porn star and Hugh Hefner’s fiance (hey, he’s old. And I could totally pass for 24. And forty halves.)   But that dream was soon destroyed as I was notified that a double D is an average size for a woman. (Men tend to measure smaller).

And as I’m processing that bit of how do you do, the breasticle measurer started talking to me about shapewear and would I like to try some.

Shapewear? I asked, cocking my head adorably to the side.

“Yes,” she said.  And explained that the iPant is an undergarment that I would  wear under my clothes which will shape my rear end.

No lightbulbs were going off in my head because for the life of me,  because my head is energy efficient.  And also I can’t see how a hexagon ass is going to help me.  And why would anyone choose a shape other than a hexagon?  It’s so pointy!

But apparently, I’m behind (ahem) the trend again, because I learn that iPant is something that I have to wear over my ass and under my clothes and it helps the skin fight against fat accumulation and cellulite.

I don’t know how, I assume some kind of magic is involved.

The iPant felt all smooth and silky, so needless to say, I wanted one immediately.

The great news is that the Warcoal people were willing to let me have one, all I had to do was sign up for the iPant challenge. I’d commit to wearing it every day for 28 days and at the end of the 28 days my ass would be smooth, like a baby’s. A very huge baby’s.

I was in!

But before I committed, I read the ingredients.
What? Your undergarments don’t come with ingredients?!

Ingredients include caffeine, retinol, ceramides, vitamin E, fatty acids and aloe vera
The microcapsules are released through the microfiber in a controlled way throughout the lifetime of the garment, even after 100 washes.

Caffeine?!

Would it make my ass jittery? Because that’s the last thing that I need right now.

Apparently, no one reported jitteriness.

So I signed up.

Because it seems like it’s really healthy and good for you.

What could possibly go wrong?

This is not me. It's my body double.

I’ll keep you posted on my progress.  So far, after having misplaced the iPant for 2 weeks, I found it yesterday and looked at it.  We’re getting to know each other, before embarking on the 28 Days, starring Sandra Bullock.

Disclosure: I received a bra and the iPant and a blood to Chardonnay transfusion. Wacoal did not ask me to write this post. Although they may ask me to remove it.

One year ago ...

• Ish - 2009