How To Change The Toilet Paper Roll

Welcome back to the absolutely-no-award-winning series where I teach you how to do things. Through my loving leadership, we already learned how to take the escalator and how to decide when to use Reply vs. Reply All , so we are now feeling advanced.

That’s why I think we are ready to tackle The Art of Changing The Toilet Paper Roll.

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Step One: Use the last square of toilet paper. See the cardboard toilet paper roll middle.

Step Two: Don’t worry! You don’t need any more toilet paper and it’s highly unlikely that anyone who lives with you will ever need to use the bathroom. After all, everyone’s busy! Who has time for the bathroom?

Step Three: Enjoy your life!

Step Four: Eventually go to the bathroom again. Notice there is no toilet paper. Wonder how this could have happened to someone as wonderful as you.

WARNING: Do not attempt to use shreds of toilet paper.

Step Five: Feel denial. The toilet paper is there! It’s just in your blind spot! (Optional: start to worry that you’re going blind.)

Step Six: Feel anger. Why isn’t the toilet paper there? It was there earlier today! (Optional: explore conspiracy theory.)

Step Seven: Try to make a deal. If the toilet paper roll appears right now, you will become Monty Hall and ask people if they have floss in their purse. Or toilet paper. Why don’t more people carry portable toilet paper rolls in their purses? Decide to devote life to trademarking the Porta-a-Potty-Paper brand. (Optional: consider anti-psychotic medication.)

Step Eight: Become depressed. You’re a loser in the bathroom with your pants around your ankles and no toilet paper. Your so-called “loved ones” will find you in the same position in a few days or months.

Step Nine: Accept that there is no toilet paper. Think of options. The most obvious, of course, is to get married, so that your wife will change the toilet paper. But it’s hard for the unwiped to find a spouse.

Step Ten: Open the bathroom vanity cabinet.

Step Eleven: See 4 rolls of toilet paper.

Step Twelve: Rejoice!

Step Thirteen: Use a few squares.

Step Fourteen: Put the rest of the toilet paper roll on the edge of the sink.

Please note the placement of one square of toilet paper underneath the roll of toilet paper. No one knows why that's there.

Step Fifteen: Wash hands. Get the toilet paper roll wet.

Step Sixteen: Fume. Why does this always happen to you? Why don’t they make waterproof toilet paper? Now everything is ruined!

Step Seventeen: Proceed with life.

REPEAT STEPS ONE THROUGH SEVENTEEN FOR A FEW DECADES

Step Eighteen: Make a New Year’s Resolution to learn to change the toilet paper roll.

Step Nineteen: Take a fresh toilet paper roll in your hands.

Step Twenty: Put it on the toilet paper roll holder. (Note: There’s a raging debate about whether the toilet paper should hang over or hang under. Do not get sucked into this moral dilemma. There are many texts written on the subject, and once we’re master toilet paper roll changers, we will explore it, but for now, let’s focus on baby steps.)

Step Twenty One: Insert the toilet paper roll holder in that thing that’s attached to the wall.

Step Twenty Two: Feel pride. Update Twitter and Facebook with this new achievement status. Receive “like!”s and well wishes from your social media family and friends.

Step Twenty Three: Resolve to help others.

Step Twenty Four: Write a blog post about your struggle and how you overcame it, against all odds.

Step Twenty Five: Start thinking of who will portray you in the movie about your life, Changes: The Toilet Paper Rolls On.

Step Twenty Six: Worry that you have no way to end the blog post about your struggle and how you overcame it.

One year ago ...

• So Different - 2012