Recently I told a friend of mine that I will be single soon and because she knows George Clooney, I asked if she would introduce us. This is called “keeping your options open.”
“Of course,” she said so quickly that I had to assume that Clooney had been on a decades-long campaign badgering her left and right to let him know the second there was a sign that I may be back on the market.
“Really?” I asked, a little stunned at such an immediate response.
“Done!” She said and I prepared for my new life as Mrs. Clooney.
But then I started thinking. Because despite his considerable charm, and OKish looks, George Clooney is not really my type. I mean, he seems like a nice guy and everything, but I don’t know. He jets around too much for my taste. Like Lake Como is a real thing with him. Will he agree that we will not leave the United States during Bachelor season? I don’t want to have THAT discussion down the line.
And then the whole Sudan thing. I don’t know the details, but he seems to be upset with the warlords or something? Who can keep track. On the one hand, I’m all for philanthropy (when it’s other people’s money). On the other, I don’t want to be in a relationship that puts me on the wrong side of a warlord. And more than one, apparently.
“Maybe this isn’t such a hot idea,” I told my friend. I could tell she was dreading breaking the news to Clooney.
I proceeded to live my life, which is completely satisfying and full of meaning and not just because The Bachelor is back and ABC is celebrating the fact that the Bachelor’s name is Juan Pablo by calling this month Juan-uary.
But then my non-George Clooney knowing friend, Amy (everyone has one of those, right?) mentioned that there was a contest to win a date with George and I was like “come on.” How obvious can he get? Try subtlety, George. It’s called ACTING for a reason.
Apparently there’s some kind of a “fundraiser” where you can win a date with George. Does he think I was born yesterday? Gee, I wonder who the “winner” of this will be.
I decided not to enter the contest. I really think it’s for the best. But I do wish him the best of luck. And you should probably enter. Maybe you’ll be able to take his mind off me.
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Unrelated note: I am reading and absolutely loving Gary Shteyngart’s Little Failure. It’s fantastic and very funny. I’ll say more about it soon, but in the meantime, you should get it and read it. He’s from Leningrad, just like I am, so it will be just like reading my book! (aff link).
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Can understand your thoughts about Clooney, but what about Johnny Depp? He seems more flexible politically and likes many things French. Of course, on my invisible list of men I’d like to have drinks with, is Alan Rickman. Yes you may think of him as Snape, but I have seen him in some lovely features, including the old Sense & Sensibility w/Emma Thompson. Actually have met some famous men from my list. But, I don’t drink and tell.
I hope he’ll somehow manage to get over it.
Poor George. Are you really going to leave him hanging Marinka? Couldn’t you throw him a bone and at least invite him over to watch an episode of The Bachelor with you?
Twitter: jukeboxbarb
January 16, 2014 at 2:14 pm
Let him see what it feels like. Not such a big KNocker now, George. (not a typo, get it, M.?)
That is so funny that you mentioned Little Failure. I just finished reading it, and it reminded me so much of you and your blog. Sorry, I’ve never commented before, but I love your blog. You are so funny. I liked Little Failure, but I think your book will be 1000 times funnier. Just a hunch.
Twitter: wendiaarons
January 16, 2014 at 2:33 pm
I’ve seen George up close and in person in the leather Batman suit. Trust me–miss The Bachelor and get your ass to Lake Como.
Twitter: TheSuniverse
January 16, 2014 at 2:51 pm
Also, he used to have a pet pig, which he slept with, which I find disgusting in so many ways.
Hurry up and finish your book, even though I found The Russian Debutante’s Handbook terrible. You are better than Shteyngart.
Masha Lan-y mentioned “Little failure” on her face book page recently….
This is an old book, 7-8 year old, nothing special really. I only liked the part where he describes his bouts of asthma.
There will be a new genre, “My fetal memoirs”.
Twitter: Mamabirddiaries
January 17, 2014 at 7:25 am
Happy Juan-uary!!!
Poor George…
Whatever happens, at least remain friends. That way you can vacation at Lake Como and be right back on time for the new Bachelor season.
Twitter: annsrants
January 17, 2014 at 7:50 am
I love this.
And it’s jANNuary. Duh.
Since you’re a no for George, hoe about someone even better, like Kevin Spacey?
I thought *I* was your friend named Amy.
Twitter: peaceloveguac
January 17, 2014 at 11:08 am
I feel really sorry for the winner of the fundraiser. George will be just going through the motions…”You’re nice and all, but you’re no Marinka.”
You don’t want him, Marinka. Who wants to compete for the mirror.
Anyway, let’s talk about Little Failure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Incredible or what! Tell me you listened to the NPR interview. He had classics on there, and how I just got it. It could be Leningrad it could be Bogota, Colombia. The experience of a child of immigrant parents is like science fiction. “Who are these people I am supposed to figure out how to live with?”
I’m still not done talking about Gary’s book (because the interview made me feel like he’s my blood brother)How about it. This is book writing taken seriously. I guess all these words here are actually me, chanelling Gary through you since you’re the closest Leningrad link, but I want to hear about how much he believed in this book. 15 years of writing and his beautiful heartfelt drive coming from paying homage to his parents. And how he wants to outlive his parents so they don’t have to live life without him.
Say, you wouldn’t happen to know if there’s a “Win a date with Shteyngart” do you? It’s okay that he’s married, I’d just spend the whole night talking about how weird it is to be in a country where you are such a strange child, anyway.
Let’s talk about Gary!!!
Clooney, shmooney. You’ve seen the Facts of Life mullet, yes? I’m in middle of Little Failures and am a Shteyngart fan from way back, so am loving it. Wish I had some clout and could direct a movie version — it’s clear in my mind’s screen.