Gather around children. Mommy has something to tell you.
Groan. What? Can we do it later?
No, I need to talk to you now.  Children, you know that mommy and daddy love you very much, right?
Same here.
Are we done?
No, listen. Mommy and daddy love you very much, but mommy and daddy are facing a situation.
This is boring.
Are you almost done?
And the situation is that daddy went to Costco over the weekend, and –
No, ha ha, no more onions. But we seem to have some fruit. As though we are doing a Still Life.
Still Life, 2011
So?
So, we need to set up an Emergency Fruit Eating Schedule.
What’s that?
I’m glad you asked, Young Ladrinka!
I didn’t ask, I so don’t care.
I know you didn’t ask, but I’m going to blog it as though you did ask, because that makes me look like a parent who is raising inquisitive youngsters.
Whatever. I mean, Nintendo is fun and educational. Like Nutella and Apple Products. And especially the Mac Book Pro.
So the Emergency Fruit Eating Schedule will go like this. Every day, everyone will eat two to three pieces of fruit. I recommend starting with the apples, because they tend to spoil first.
Bananas rot first.
Right you are, my beautiful daughter! But I’m not as worried about the bananas because first of all, there are fewer of them, and second of all, they are a natural cereal companion choice. So it’s unlikely that we’ll have problems disposing of them.
Ok, we’ll eat the apples.
Thank you. But see, we also have pears. And these are special pears.
How?
I’m glad you asked, Young Ladrinka.
I didn’t-oh, forget it.
These pears are special and magical because they don’t really taste like anything. So when you eat these special, magical pears, you have to use your imagination to come up with a taste.
I hate pears.
That’s not a problem. As I mentioned, they do not taste like pears. At all! What’s your favorite food, Young Ladrinka?
Pizza.
Yes! These pears taste like pizza! Especially the delivery box that the pizza comes in. Yum!
Are you done?
Just about! And we also have oranges! No scurvy for us.
What’s scurvy?
It’s a very scary disease that comes from not eating oranges.
Do people die from it?
Yes, constantly. I’ve had a few close calls myself.
That’s not true.
Just because it’s not true doesn’t mean that we’re not all at risk for scurvy. Scary!
Can we leave now?
No, I’m afraid not. Once you are done with the Still Life apples, don’t forget that we have more in this bag ‘o apples.
Ten pounds, baby!
Oooh!
I know! And when that’s done, we have more in Mr. Refrigerator!
Oranges are not the only fruit
There are oranges there too.
That’s right. Because in this family, we practice Fruit Integration.
Oh Em Eff GEE! This is so boring.
We’re just about done! Remember, children, go forth and eat Still Life, Bag ‘o Apples and Cold Fruit!
So we don’t get scarves.
Scurvy.
Whatevs.Â
One year ago ...
- Take Your Eyes in Your Teeth - 2010
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{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
Don’t ya just love it when Daddy goes grocery shopping? I’ve got a drawer full to the brim of string cheese. Maybe we could execute some sort of exchange?
I am loving the Jeanette Winterson reference.
Twitter: gdrpempress
January 20, 2011 at 2:36 pm
Come join our party, the Costco 10 pack of gallon Apple Juice colon cleansing diet.
Daily hourly consumption begins …..Now.
What is the problem with men and Costco and bulk items?????
ALSO: I’m totally stealing your Scurvy Scare speech.
Twitter: theBitchinWife
January 20, 2011 at 2:43 pm
I wish *Nintendo* was magical and kept scurvy at bay!
Pound by pound watermelons beat everything space wise.
Twitter: fordeville
January 20, 2011 at 3:05 pm
I am begging you — go and find your husband’s Costco membership card and “lose” it. Stat. In the meantime, you’d better start soliciting recipes for the best damn fruit pies, tartes, muffins and meringues out there. Or have the entire neighborhood over for an End of Days Fondue.
Twitter: MommysMartini
January 20, 2011 at 3:06 pm
The strawberries from Costco seem to taste good, but in my experience, none of their other fruit does. So it’s like fruit torture to consume it. Basically, what I’m saying is, Husbandrinka is torturing your children. But at least he’s doing it healthfully.
Yes, all fruit in bags taste like pizza delivery boxes. Maybe you should do a surplus Vitamin-C giveaway.
Had soooo much fun yesterday, but soooo happy to hear your voice again, Marinka.
Twitter: vboykis
January 20, 2011 at 3:30 pm
In the first picture, are the apples strung up like a turkey? Are they, in fact, turkey apples? This may be the cause of the some of the childrens’ apprehension.
Bwahahahahah! awesome!
Why did I hear The Wiggles singing ‘Fruit Salad, Yummy, Yummy’ through that whole post?
Hahaha…this is awesome!!! This happens whenever I buy Clementines. Its inevitable that by the middle of the box, people quit eating them. I seem to specialize in spoiled food…my frig is full of it! The great thing about bananas is that you can make banana bread…not so with apples or magic pears!
Twitter: fromtracie
January 20, 2011 at 4:37 pm
It is time to burn that man’s Costco card. Also it might be best if you go ahead and tell him that Costco burned down so he won’t try to get a replacement. Of course if you live near the Costco, you might have to actually burn it down in order for this deception to work.
At least you wont’ have scurvy when you go to prison.
Twitter: PhoenixRising73
January 20, 2011 at 5:15 pm
Note to self: Do NOT read Marinka’s blog at work when pretending to be actually working. I am running out of ways to explain the soda shooting out of my nostrils. Now…. I am off to discuss the Scurvy Scare with my real-working co-workers.
Twitter: kidsvomitmice
January 20, 2011 at 7:14 pm
But…but…ZERO POINTS! Fruit is now zero points on Weight Watchers! Send it my way…
Twitter: antshe1
January 20, 2011 at 8:08 pm
WOW…that’s a lot of fruit.
Peel the apples, chop them up and throw them into a saucepan with some water. Cook them on low for as long as you want. At the end: Applesauce.
Your house will smell great and you will never have to buy applesauce again.
Twitter: noshoppingliz
January 20, 2011 at 9:00 pm
Husbandrinka sounds a lot like me when I go to Costco. There are only three of us, but when I’m there, I really do convince myself that we need 90 gallons of ketchup or 15 pounds of blueberries. Antioxidants, I think to myself….I need me some of that. Then, sometimes, I can’t finish 13.7 pounds of it.
fruit? What is this “fruit” thing you speak of??
Oh my frigging Jesus. I am seriously laughing out loud.
Twitter: gonnakillhim
January 20, 2011 at 11:25 pm
This is not the first time you’ve had me breathless with fear for what you are about to announce regarding your husband. You are the master at the conversation setup.
G is such a liability at Costco. He insists on walking each aisle, even the industrial condiments and paper plates section, every time he enters that wasteland.
And I laughed aloud each time you said, “I’m glad you asked, Young Ladrinka.”
Twitter: _SHOWandTELL_
January 21, 2011 at 1:02 am
If you’re really gonna eat all that fruit, you’d better send your husband back to Costco for some bulk toilet paper! You’re going to need it!
Ha I tell my kids and their friends if they don’t eat their veggies they’ll get scurvy and when one of the friends ask what scurvy is ,my blessed little miracles tell them that your gums turn black ,your teeth fall out ,then you DIE!they now eat their veggies
Twitter: justMom42
January 21, 2011 at 2:56 am
This is why men should not shop.
They are the hunters who bring home the meat (aka money) we are the gatherers who go to the store and GATHER (properly.)
Nuff said.
My husband is fired from all things shopping related since the infamous banana-incident. It was ugly…
I’m with Sheila on the applesauce, which you can freeze. Then buy a juicer and take care of those oranges. And the pears, ummm, hide them in a salad with some bleu cheese and waluts, and you won’t even mind that they’re there. Or, I saw take home chef roast them for dessert. But the kidlets might not agree that they’re dessert. Men screw up shopping on purpose, so we won’t ever send them again.
Twitter: daviskho
January 21, 2011 at 11:30 am
We had a request from school – “please send in donations of juice, fruit cups, pudding etc. to help with our free school breakfast program” which helps 20 families in our community. I was all on board, went crazy at Target with buying the breakfast fruit cups.
Took them into the office yesterday to drop them off. Caught the school secretary in the act of downing a Dole Fruit Cup as though it were a Tequila shot.
Send your fruit this way, our school secretary evidently needs them.
Twitter: Issascrazyworld
January 21, 2011 at 11:53 am
I was thinking about going to Costco this weekend and buying fruit. Am starting to think you just saved me. From over-fruit-ation. Not from Scurvy. I’m likely to get the scurvy.
This was soooooooooooooooo funny.
JUICER!!! I wish there was a Costco near us, we go through fruits and vegetables like water with our Jack Lalanne Juicer. Carrots, apples, pears, celery, kale, did I mention carrots? Everyone in our household, even the persnickety eaters, love the juice@
Very funny. My husband is incapable of going to the shops and spending less that 100 euros. I say juice, fruit salad, fruit in your salad, and bake some pies! (No, make the husband bake some pies – that’s better and would be educational for him.)
That was a RIOT, Marinka. Also, do the kids not know that they’re SUPPOSED to eat 2-3 or 4 or MORE fruit a day?
Don’t worry. My kids don’t, either.