I wasn’t going to post today because I’m working on something very special for later this evening for my blog. Yes, Friday night, when no one’s reading blogs. I know how to drive internet traffic.
But I’m having this problem lately where I don’t understand what people are saying to me.
Like, earlier this month I went to Barnes & Noble to get a copy of The Lonely Polygamist
And then last night at my book group. We’re talking about the polygamists and how sharing a husband with other women, while having many benefits, would get very annoying after a while, and naturally we start talking about sex. And one of the women in the book group told us that she heard that the secret to a healthy sexual marriage was a fruit salad and a blow job first thing in the morning. My friend declined to take this advice, claiming not to be a morning person, but I was so confused that I momentarily stopped drinking my wine.
What does that mean? Someone suggested that you have to feed the man fruit salad, with peeled grapes, probably, so that the semen tastes better. Does that mean that you have to get up extra early to make the fruit salad? I’m thinking that you can’t make it the night before, because you know how fruit starts to brown. Then someone suggested that you have the fruit salad yourself, afterwards, as a reward. Is it me, or does fruit salad sound like a “thanks for showing up” kind of reward?
This is driving me crazy. And it’s not exactly the kind of thing that I can ask Mama about. (And I’m trying to forget that Papa reads my blog sometimes.)
What do you think?
One year ago ...
- US Weekly Chat - 2011
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what do i think? honey i think you should get the hell out of that book club!
smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxo
Twitter: MommysMartini
February 25, 2011 at 8:19 am
Personally, I think that sounds like the diet from hell. The ONLY reason I might disagree with empress bee is that at least your friend was not advocating this strategy, not having followed the advice herself.
fruit salad and a blow job? wutchutalkingbout, willis? That’s the nuttiest thing I ever heard, pun intended.
It depends on what your definition of ‘blow’ is.
Twitter: waitinthevan
February 25, 2011 at 8:39 am
I imagine she meant you need to “toss his salad.” And that she has no idea what she’s talking about.
But, I’m such a prude that I actually don’t know exactly what I’m talking about either. In fact, this sounds like something I’d say in a moment of boldness, and then go home and blog about how I humiliated myself at Book Club.
I’m actually kinda confused too…
…I’m gonna assume the man eats the fruit salad so his semen tastes better.
Because for a blowjob, I want chocolate not fruit salad.
So this would mean my marriage is sexually unhealthy? I think I prefer it that way thanks…
Twitter: mannahattamamma
February 25, 2011 at 8:59 am
You may want to consider this post on adhocmom.com, in which she refers to
“candle salad” (a banana enticingly placed upright inside a ring of pineapple)
http://www.adhocmom.com/2011/02/betty-crocker-has-saved-my-lame-ass-again/
Or are we to consider the semen as, er, some kind of dressing for aforementioned fruit salad?
The mind boggles.
I actually would want to JOIN that book club! Every book club I have ever been to was especially boring & uptight. And If someone brought up a BJ….there would have been a loud record scratching sound.
Hmm…So could she have been implying that whole “way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” blah blah gunk about feeding him? Like…”happy men have food and bjs.” Or did she say it more in the tone of specifics.
Because my hubby isn’t into fruit so much. If I offered it to him, he’d be all “where’s my moon over myhammy” and I’d slap him for arguing with me about food after giving him a bj early in the morning…and a fight would ensue. So..fruit salad wouldn’t help my marriage what-so-ever.
I say, ask for specifics at the next book club meeting. And then post about it. I need to know more on this.
That book club sounds like my cup of tea. Which I don’t really drink. So, you can see how appealing it sounds!
I think the fruit salad is to make you healthy and the blow job is to keep his brain depleted enough throughout the day that he doesn’t even think about other women when he’s away. I mean, after a bj, most men (ahem) aren’t the most lucid…
Can I just have the fruit salad?
I’m so glad my book club fell apart. It was so damned earnest and boring and all the books were depressing.
Since fruit salad is now associated with semen, I will never eat it again. This would really blow my diet, except I’ve lost all appetite, reading this talk of other people’s blow jobs.
Twitter: AdorkableKati
February 25, 2011 at 1:50 pm
I considered announcing that since I can no longer eat fruit I’m going to become a meatatarian, but even that would sound dirty in this context.
So I guess I just need to stick to protein shakes from now on.
Wait…
Twitter: slowpanic
February 25, 2011 at 10:32 am
now that wiggles song — fruit salad — is stuck in my head.
I guess saying I envy you isn’t exactly right, and I’m glad you remembered he reads this BUT I COULD NEVER LET MY DAD READ THAT I EVEN KNOW WHAT A BLOWJOB IS. Whew, I’m glad I got that off my chest. Back to your question, the answer is – don’t swallow. Problem solved.
Twitter: ohmommy
February 25, 2011 at 10:38 am
I know what a fruit salad is but what does blow job mean?
Twitter: gdrpempress
February 25, 2011 at 10:55 am
OK, hang on, I just found a picture of a blowjob fruit salad yesterday..
be right back.
Twitter: gdrpempress
February 25, 2011 at 10:57 am
OK, here it is. It was on adhoc.mom
http://tinyurl.com/4pwckep
LOL! You just happen to have this on link at your finger tips? You are one handy woman to have around!
I’m a little confused too, and am NOT going to click on those links in the comments above. But I am looking forward to your Friday evening post! Must be something special!
Twitter: Peajaye
February 25, 2011 at 12:44 pm
WTF?
re: B&N – no wonder Amazon is kicking their asses.
re: fs & bj’s – that sounds like something Linda Tripp might’ve said to Monica Lewinsky.
I think I could totally do a BJ and a fruit salad… occasionally. I wouldn’t want to get consistant with that kind of thing!
First, of all I only buy organic fruit and that could start to get expensive. Second, BJ’s every morning would bore my husband.
Awesome book club!!
Several very knowledgeable MAN told me that the semen has no taste, I never cared to ask women about the subject.
Twitter: grandemocha
February 25, 2011 at 1:42 pm
This is story for your therapist Marinka!!!!
Twitter: AdorkableKati
February 25, 2011 at 1:46 pm
co-signed!
and maybe mine, too.
No doubt – because “several” implies he’s had this conversation more than once. Nothing like a little fatherly advice to get you through your day. I love Awesome Dude!
i think she recently saw good will hunting and just subbed in a fruit salad for coffee…”now all i could use is a cup of coffee and a blowjob….”
Twitter: jarosdesigns
February 25, 2011 at 1:29 pm
I keep thinking fruit salad must be a euphemism for something, like a little reciprocity? Why does he get to have all the fun in the morning?
Twitter: AdorkableKati
February 25, 2011 at 1:32 pm
Awesome Dude…the men lied to you. And I don’t want to know how they knew in the first place anyway. Or why you asked them LOL
I’m pretty sure if I offered my husband a fruit salad in the morning, he’d wonder what was up. But if I told him he could get THAT just for eating one? He’d eat it and ask for seconds. But I’m not a morning person. So my marriage can just stay unhealthy.
Twitter: sellabitmum
February 25, 2011 at 1:47 pm
What happened to good ol’ coffee and cigarettes in the morning? This new diet sounds too healthy.
Twitter: ByWordsMusings
February 25, 2011 at 1:49 pm
Alexandra – lol, she also called it ‘slutty salad’
Well, all this talk of blow jobs …. was this not something we mastered in school, commandeering man’s unfailing interest in our capabilities. and then swiftly moved forward once married.
I personally have be known to assure my husband that should he find a woman to take care of both laundry and blow jobs, he may feel free to move her in.
My mother in law did not bat an eyelid at this discussion …
Maybe it’s a reference to the movie 9 1/2 Weeks where there’s a blindfold involved with the feeding of fruits. But I never quite understood that, either. Sitting on the cold kitchen floor just doesn’t seem aphrodisiacal (that’s totally a word), PLUS, I’d be so nervous about what my husband was choosing to feed me that there’s no way I’d relax enough to be aroused…..
ANYWAY. That’s an *interesting* book club you’ve got going on.
And, Awesome Dude? I think you should ask a few ladies. And please come back to report your findings.
wow my head is spinning
wait?
no taste?
wtf?
tossing his salad, this includes fruit how?
what book were you reading?
that is all
Yeah, i still don’t get the fruit salad thing. This is going to bug me for a while.
Twitter: gdrpempress
February 25, 2011 at 2:29 pm
The link I gave is SUPER CLEAN. (or sooooooooooooooooooooooooper clean, if you’re from minnesota)
Just some vintage Betty Crocker fruit salad…made with an upright banana. Worth the click over.
Twitter: thedalaimama
February 25, 2011 at 2:30 pm
I had to google fruit salad and sex just to see–I’m glad I often work at home.
http://www.adamgollner.com/News/baby-lets-make-fruit-salad
I’m fascinated by this and now I can’t get that “candle salad” out of my mind.
I thought this was common knowledge that pineapple or cantalope and probably other fruit was supposed to change the taste, but I thought it had to be consumed the night before so there was time for it to go through the system, but I’m no doctor ruth.
OMG — Next time I have a dinner party I am SO serving “Candle Salad” — just so I can see the looks on people’s faces. Fun TIMES!!!
Twitter: randomhandprint
February 25, 2011 at 6:48 pm
i love that idea! we should host a linky and everyone post pics of their candle salads and their guests reactions!
Twitter: suebob
February 25, 2011 at 3:23 pm
I did the only thing I know how to do in these situations. I checked urbandictionary.com and it was absolutely no help:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fruit%20salad
Twitter: PhoenixRising73
February 25, 2011 at 6:41 pm
I’m going to test this theory out. I’m pretty sure I can anticipate the reaction to the blow job… I’m just not sure I know what I’m doing with the fruit salad, so we’ll just see how that goes. Do you think it’s okay if I use a can of that DelMonte fruit salad? The kind with a gazillion pears chopped up and only half a maraschino cherry? Where do I put the can? Maybe I’ll start with the small can just so I don’t scare him too bad….
Twitter: ssmirnov
February 25, 2011 at 8:08 pm
Dammit, Kristine beat me to the “tossing his salad” obversation. As for the taste of, er, love in the morning? Chlorox and snot, according to my mother. One of the many morsels of maternal wisdom passed along over the years, along with “it’s just as easy to marry a rich boy as it is a poor one” and “wipe off that perfume, you smell like a French whorehouse.”
Twitter: ssmirnov
February 25, 2011 at 8:09 pm
Mom also taught me that it’s “observation,” not “obversation,”
I don’t know, I prefer a cigarette, but I quit smoking. Fruit salad just does nothing for me.
I don’t really know what else to say, but I have other things to take of first thing in the morning, like MYSELF!
Oh, wait… that totally came out wrong.
I can’t think of a single use for the fruit salad, but I can say this: You absolutely MUST ask Mama. I really want to know what she has to say. And I’m pretty sure you could make a whole ‘nother blog post – or two – out of her answer. Please ask! Your readers await enlightenment.
Seriously? This is hilarious. And very confusing.
Twitter: amyeatlivelaugh
March 3, 2011 at 2:45 pm
I can’t stop singing “Fruit salad, yummy, yummy” – The Wiggles tune. Hideous that I now associate fruit salad and the Wiggles with BJs.