For the Love and Comfort of Nicki

Last week, the kids and I had to go to Petco to get some cat food for Nicki, although my son immediately corrected me and said “Not CAT food, KITTEN food!” Like who cares what it’s called so long as it has arsenic in it.

So we pass the peasant kitten food and go straight for the caviar, aka Iams. Because we do not want to miss any opportunity to invest as much money as we can’t afford into Nicky’s health and happiness.  And of course we can’t just get the kitten food and  make it like a tree and leaf, because the Petco Satanists positioned the cat climbing mechanisms right next to the Kitten Food and both of my kids are all “AWWW!!!” 

I look at the price tag and it’s $79.99, which, incidentally is what I told Husbandrinka that Nicki would cost us for her entire life, including the taxidermization, so I try to act casual and I’m all “ok, lets go!”
And they’re all “NICKI NEEDS THAT!”
And I’m all “No, she doesn’t!”
And they’re all “YES SHE DOES!!!!”
And then my son starts moving towards the one cat scratch/play post that looks like it was build by Donald Trump for Hugh Hefner and his whores, except slightly more ornate and I feel my body go cold and simultaneously become drenched with sweat and I’m all “NO” and he’s all “Please! I’ll never ask for anything again!” and I agree to the $79.99 monstrosity because it’s the less expensive of two evils. So like Atlas with the world on his shoulders, we’re dragging the fucking kitty entertainment center to the cashier and I tell the kids that we’ll have to get it delivered (for a convenient $15 charge!) and they’re all “NICKI NEEDS IT TODAY!” but I put my foot down because I’ve just been economically sodomized and I’m still a little sore as a result.
But when it’s delivered the next day, Nicki immediately takes to it and looks so comfortable on it that I know that we made a very wise decision.

By way of comparison, you can see how uncomfortable and unhappy she was when she was forced to sit on a human chair. Like an animal.