Citizen’s Arrest

The other day I was doing some research about citizen’s arrests. Did you know, for example, that in most states if a felony is committed in your presence you should feel free to take the alleged felon into custody. Unless he kills you first. But I’m sure it’s a relief that you don’t have to dial 911 and speak to the dispatch operator. Time saver.

I’m also not sure if illegal immigrants are afforded the right to make citizen’s arrests as well, and the status of green card holders is even more murky. But I don’t care about that.

I care about making the jump from Citizen’s Arrest to Citizen’s Execution. Because Husbandrinka has committed some crimes against humanity and I’m not sure how much more I can take.

Because on Friday night, he and I went out for a romantical dinner which gave me the opportunity to tell him that I could not stay married to him for one second longer because he has ruined my life.

Unfortunately, he knows me so he took it in stride.

“Everyone has problems,” he said.
“And my problem is sitting across from me,” I seethed.
After a few more subtle hints, he asked what I was talking about.
“I’m sorry to make a public scene like this,” I started, emboldened by my wine and a few presumptively supportive yet furtive glances from fellow diners, “but I’ve been miserable for the length of our marriage.”

Husbandrinka was speechless. Or still studying the menu.

“Because ever since we got married, you’ve been making salad dressing. And you’ve been using Red Wine vinegar which is fine and dandy, but I happen to love Balsamic.”
“I don’t like Balsamic,” he said.
“Yes, I know. But is it fair that I can count on the fingers of my non-polydactyl hand how many times in the last 15 years I’ve had Balsamic vinegar in the comfort of my own home?”
“No one’s stopping you. Have Balsamic vinegar,” Mr. Magnanimous, ladies and gentlemen.
“I can’t have Balsamic vinegar. Because you have turned the children against Balsamic vinegar as well and when I use it, they’re all eww about it. So now I have to wait until I am home alone to have Balsamic vinegar. Like some kind of an addict, freebasing Balsamic vinegar in seclusion.”
“Can’t help you. I just don’t like it,” he tells me.
And for some reason he seems to feel that the conversation is over.

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to live like this.

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By the way, if you are still curious about Citizen’s Arrest and how it can enhance your life, I found this guide helpful. I particularly like step 4:

Tell the suspect that they’re under citizen’s arrest. Tell them that they’re not allowed to leave until a police officer comes and that they can explain the situation to the police when they arrive. Be firm and matter-of-fact.

Yes, be firm and matter-of-fact. Like this: “Whoa, what a scorcher, eh? This heat sure lends itself to criminal activity. Speaking of which, you’re under arrest. So don’t move until the heat gets here. The other kind of heat.”

One year ago ...

• Favorites - 2012