How Fitting!

Lately I’ve been thinking that I must have suffered a series of mini-strokes because when people talk to me, I have no idea what they’re saying.

For example, last week I went for a complimentary bra fitting that I was sure was going to change my life.
I filled out a questionnaire that asked what my bra fitting goals were. Naturally I assumed that it was a trick question, since my bra fitting goals were to get a bra that fits, but I ticked off some other fine-sounding options like “lessening the appearance of back fat” and “ensuring world peace”.

So then I got to meet my bra fitting specialist and after the preliminary chit chat, which for some reason didn’t include her administering any anesthesia to me, she said:
“Okay, so I don’t measure you, but I will look at your size and shape and holistically select a bra for you.”

I have no idea what that meant.
“What does that mean?” I asked.
By the way, asking someone that you met five minutes ago questions while topless may be awkward, so I recommend wearing pasties to your bra fitting.
“It means that instead of measuring you, I will do a visual inspection.”

After the visual inspection, which seems to have lasted a decade or so, she excused herself to get me the bra of my dreams.

She came back with a few.

The first one I put on broke a few of my ribs and cut off all circulation to my extremities. (I’m assuming that breasts are extremities).
“It seems a little tight,” I chocked out.
“That’s it fits you well,” she adjusted lefty for me.
“But it seems tight,” I remember saying before passing out.
“It will get looser after a week or so,” she stood behind me and looked at me in the mirror. “The great thing about this bra is that it goes into your body and lengthens you.”
“What do you mean it goes into my body?” Because that sounded invasive and possibly anti-American.
“It folds into your body and that’s how you become proportionate.”

Does anyone know what that means?
Or why I thought that a bra fitting would be a good idea?

And she’s not the only one. Yesterday, I went for a hair color consultation with a new person. I’ve been trying to break up with my homosexual American colorist because he’s not getting me blonde enough, dammit.
So this one says to me, “Do you want to be more Ash blonde or warm blonder?”
What does that mean?
So I ask her and she says that “Ash” is cold and “warm” is warm.
Ok, in what hemisphere is ash cold?
Unless she’s thinking of Iceland with their recent volcanic eruption?
Which brings me to another question.
How come Iceland has a volcanic eruption and all anyone cares about is that British Airways has to fly around it or something? What about all those Icebergs, having to flee their homes?

One year ago ...

• Rome! - 2014