And, Scene

For some reason, I wrote this whole thing in the third person. As a compliment to Bossy, probably. Or maybe an impending nervous breakdown.

Scene: Saturday night.
Marinka decides to tweet some inspirational quotes on Twitter and bid all her Tweetfriends good night.

What’s this? No internet connection? Puzzling.

Husbandrinka takes charge of the situation. Marinka stands back, afraid, but hopeful.
Husbandrinka reports that Time Warner is doing some WiFi maintenance and that service will begin again in the morning.
Marinka is sad.
Shouldn’t they warn us about this maintenance in advance?
What kind of people just interrupt other people’s WiFi like that?
Is this Obama’s fault?
Marinka has no choice but to steal a neighbor’s WiFi.
Sorry, neighbor!

____

Now it’s Sunday afternoon and still no WiFi.
Marinka calls Time Warner. After a guided talking to, during which Marinka is encouraged to “reset” the modem by tapping it with something small and pointy, Time Warner lets her know that something is very wrong and that a technician will be there on Tuesday afternoon to fix it.
For a moment, Marinka can’t breathe, but when her heart restarts, she goes into full panic mode.
“It’s really important that someone come today!” Marinka pleads. “We cannot be without internet. My husband works from home and so do I. On the internet. And our children are home schooled. Using the internet.” (Ok, so I didn’t really say that about the kids. But to be fair, neither Husbandrinka nor I work from home, so the lies totally even out.)

The guy is sorry, and he tells Marinka that he doesn’t mean to be insensitive, but there is nothing that he can do.
Marinka reassures him that she doesn’t think that he is insensitive, but she would like to speak to his supervisor now. And possibly his parole officer.

After being on hold for about the amount of time that it would take the Time Warner guy to surf the internet, he comes back on the line and says that the supervisor said that they will put a request to the field office and that Marinka would hear back within two hours. Apparently, the request to the field office will be transmitted by Tom the Tortoise.

As a surprise to absolutely no one, Marinka gets a call that today is a no-go, but we’re set for Tuesday, between 2 and 6.

Marinka is sad.

Husbandrinka is fuming. Husbandrinka reminds Marinka that getting WiFi was Marinka’s idea. He was happy with high speed. But no. Marinka wanted wireless. What have wires ever done to Marinka?
(Of course because Husbandrinka is Man ‘o Few Words, he says none of these things, but Marinka knows that he’s thinking them, and more. Marinka is so angry at what Husbandrinka is thinking, she is not sure that she will ever forgive him.)

The rest of Sunday and Monday pass in a blur. Marinka eats. Marinka talks with the children. Pets Nicki. Watches “General Hospital”. But the bounce, she is no longer in Marinka’s step. Marinka is withering.

Finally, Tuesday arrives.
Marinka feels hope.
At 2 pm, Marinka is ready. Marinka is sitting in front of door, waiting for the repairman to come.
Uh-oh. Marinka has to pick up the kids at 4. What if the repairman comes then?
Silly, Marinka, don’t always think of the worst!
It’s 3 pm. Marinka calls Time Warner.
“Hello,” Marinka says. “I am calling to please confirm appointment.” Marinka sometimes speaks in accent to extract better service. I am immigrant, she is saying. I have traveled to your land, do not disappoint me.
“It looks like there is no appointment,” the man tells Marinka, totally disregarding the Ellis Island ambiance that Marinka has worked so hard to create.
“Oh, yes there was. I have an order number and everything!”
“No,” the guy reassured me. “It was for yesterday. Monday.”
“No,” Marinka says. “It was for today, Tuesday.”
After a few more rounds of this scintillating back and forth, Marinka has a Eureka moment.
“Wait a minute,” Marinka says. “No one came yesterday, either. I was home all day.”
“Let me check,” he said and then came back. “Yes, they could not come yesterday, so they had to reschedule for today.”
“So the appointment is for today? Tuesday?”
“Yes.”
“But you said that it was for Monday.”
“It was for Monday.”
“But they are coming today?”
“They are coming today.”
“And today is Tuesday.”
“Yes. But the appointment was for Monday.”
Of course.
“We’ll call you soon to tell you when the technician will arrive.”
“Okay.”

Half an hour later, they called to apologize. They are running late and instead of 2 to 6, they’ll be here closer to 8. They are sorry. Marinka is in a forgiving mood.

At 3:50, Marinka leaves to pick up her kids. How funny that there is a Time Warner repairfriend in the lobby of her building!
What? You’re here to repair our WiFi?
“Yes, I am,” repairfriend says.
And then he does.
Sure, Marinka is late to pick up her kids, but we all have our priorities.

One year ago ...

• Unusual Advice - 2011