I’m still having an unbelievable helpme fantastic time in Montana! Vacation is so great dearlordgetmeoutofhere and it’s going to be difficult to see it end! Here’s a list of things I learned while white water rafting on Monday!
1. You can’t bring your iPhone into the raft. It’s not because there’s spotty coverage on the river, as you’d no doubt feared, but because it will get wet. Â You’re supposed to Leave Your iPhone Behind. Most normal people will take this as a sign of Very Bad Things to Come but some of us are married to Husbandrinka who insists that everyone have fun against their will.
2. Â Before you start, you will receive a form that has various health conditions listed on it. You will think that you are supposed to check off any conditions that you have, but that’s only half the fun! Try to predict which ailments will plague you by the time you get off the raft in a couple of hours.
3. When you casually mention that the water is a bit too chilly, can they adjust it a tad, your guide will be of absolutely no help.
4. Your guide will tell you that he will be yelling various commands at you throughout the trip. Think of them less as “commands” and more as “helpful suggestions” . OF WHAT TO DO IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.
5. Your guide will tell you that if you are flipped into the water, you should assume a low profile. No one knows what the hell that means.
6. Yelling “HUGE ROCK!” every time you see anything in the water doesn’t get you The Most Helpful White Water Rafting badge. Like it’s  your fault exactly that the duckling looked so boulder-like?
7. Asking when this Tour of Hades will end will  not make it end faster.
8. When your guide tells you what various rocks are called, don’t ask follow up questions. For example, when you learn that a rock is called “Bambi” say “Bambi! How cute!” and not “Oh, is it because it makes everyone cry for their mommy?” (Spoiler alert: Yes, yes it is.)
9. When your guide tells you that he is highly motivated to keep the raft from flipping over because he has this thing with the others back in the shop that for every person he swims he has to buy a six pack for the group, know that you are in the hands of a skilled professional.
10. Singing My Heart Will Go On will not endear you to the others on your raft.
11. When your husband gets thrown out of the raft, don’t scream “WHERE’S THE LIFE INSURANCE POLICY, MOTHERFUCKER?” after him. Not everyone has the same sense of humor.
12. When you reach Terra Firma, go ahead and kiss it. Â Just not with tongue.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
See, now that sounds really fun to me!! I hope they at least gave you a Princess Barbie helmet.
By the way, you were perfectly safe in the hands of a guide who might have to buy the beer.
But I bet you were quite fetching in your life jacket. It’s about fashion.
Every single one of those was hilarious. But “Bambi” did me in.
Twitter: jukeboxbarb
August 15, 2012 at 11:36 am
How about this one, ms. dusty earth mother- I was flipped out at the rapids called the mother-in-law. As if she didn’t arrange it.
I think I just peed in my pants!
I hope you learned where the insurance policy is just in case you have to do other “fun” stuff in Montana.
Twitter: Peajaye
August 15, 2012 at 12:47 pm
I worry that you’re now using their lingo, i.e. in #9, where the phrase “person he swims” clearly means “corpse he drags back to shore”.
Thank you for making me laugh. And I agree about the rafting.
Twitter: meredithlopez
August 15, 2012 at 12:57 pm
You LET your HUSBAND trick you into WHITE WATER RAFTING? What’s wrong with you???
I’ve known my husband for 10 years now, and he has yet to get me into a kayak like he seems to think he will some day. One time I finally agreed to go just to shut him up – to this very day he still thinks I somehow made it rain so we couldn’t go.
You should have come to Vegas, it’s a lot drier and warmer and lots of drinks.
I am so sorry. I abhor white water rafting and all other “fun” that westerners find so charming. Try to stay east of the Mississippi on future vacations.
Twitter: hip2housewife
August 15, 2012 at 8:23 pm
Holy crap! I’m leaving for Montana on Saturday. We were going to Whitewater rafting! Now, I will do what I have always known deep down is best: stay in the rat infested, humid as hell city, and breathe the polluted air. It’s what I was made for.
Twitter: MommysMartini
August 15, 2012 at 9:41 pm
The ad embedded at the bottom of this in my reader is for ModCloth, and it says “‘I have enough dresses.’ Said No One. Ever.” Which pretty much seems like the perfect ad for a post by a girl who’s been taken out of the City, but, clearly, not had the City taken out of her. 😉 Good luck surviving the rafting. Perhaps you should inform Husbandrinka that participation in such events requires compensatory mojitos. And perhaps a new dress.
The only way my husband can talk me into white water rafting is if he doubles the life insurance and puts in a clause that I still get the money even if I drown him or hit him on the head with a peddle.
Twitter: sellabitmum
August 16, 2012 at 7:59 am
Pictures! I need pictures!
Twitter: mannahattamamma
August 16, 2012 at 9:24 am
clearly no one gave you an iZiploc for your phone. it’s what all the hipster rafting types do. think of it this way: your soggy torment gave rise to a funny, funny post. how one must suffer for art. just say to yourself “fodder, fodder, it’s all fodder” as you trek through the wilderness. it’ll keep away the bears.
Twitter: Jomoblogger
August 16, 2012 at 9:35 am
I know this fun of which you speak. To quote my husband after white water rafting in Colorado, “well, I can cross THAT one off the list!”
Hope the rest of your vacation is less eventful. Wait, no I don’t – I love reading about these adventures!
#11 FTW
Twitter: NorthWestMommy
August 16, 2012 at 12:45 pm
Cannotbqait to see your list after bunggie jumping.
Twitter: wendiaarons
August 16, 2012 at 1:54 pm
Were you wearing a wetsuit? Please say yes.
Twitter: BigPieceofCake
August 16, 2012 at 4:22 pm
So THAT’S why you didn’t live tweet it.
Glad to hear you lived to tell the tale. I am such a wuss I would have just said no way and waited on a rock (not Bambi).
As always you make me laugh out loud. And you are a braver person than I am. So many people have said to me, “You should come rafting with us.” My husband looks at me with hope in his eyes and I squint and say, “uh no!”
Laughing out loud, also extremely jealous of the people on the raft with you.
What they get to witness live, play by play, style, I hope they appreciate the way we your readers, would.
So jealous I’m almost cross eyed of those that get to be where I wish I was right now: next to Marinka as she white water rafting.
Twitter: hessleman
August 18, 2012 at 12:22 am
Happy to see so many other sane people would refuse to go. Makes me feel like less of a wuss. Glad you made it out alive, M!
Twitter: asideofrice
August 19, 2012 at 9:29 am
How very calm and level-headed of you to request information on your spouse’s life insurance policy. Especially in a panic situation, where something called Bambi could be anyone’s undoing.
Your white water rafting experience definitely fits in the “sucks for you; great for us” category. You should parlay this into a whole TV series — each week you try a new extreme activity — and we get to watch. Oh, how awesome would that be? The answer: EPICALLY awesome.
Twitter: Mamabirddiaries
August 19, 2012 at 9:26 pm
That is so not on my bucket list.
Twitter: kidsvomitmice
August 21, 2012 at 5:54 pm
Gosh, sorry to have missed it. I was busy pretending to love camping in New York State while you were risking your life in Montana. Isn’t summer fun?
Twitter: TheSuniverse
August 21, 2012 at 10:09 pm
The closest I ever want to get to white water rafting is a slightly tepid bathtub. You totally earned your wilderness badge.
I am dying laughing. I went white water rafting this summer also, but I think I loved it more than you. I have even thought about being a guide in the future. However, I love your sense of humor and would have loved to sing Celine Dion with you in the raft!