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Lists

What’s In a Name?

by Marinka on May 20, 2014

Recently I decided to kill both of our cats with my bare hands.

Oh, you didn’t know that we had two cats now?

Well, of course you know Nicki, the striped goddess that we love and adore. Nicki has been with us forever, ever since that moment when the kids begged and pleaded and promised to feed her, empty her litter box and tend to her stripe realignment (GUESS HOW THAT TURNED OUT?!)

But you may not know this beauty:

photo-34

I wish I could introduce her to you properly, but the kids couldn’t name her for the first few weeks, at which point I called a State of the Family Emergency meeting and threatened the kids with snack and screen and oxygen deprivation unless they came up with a name for the cat. Then, I launched into a monologue about the virtues of working on a problem collaboratively and, just to gilt the lily, about the importance of siblings and also how Adam named all the animals and birds in a shorter time period than they’re taking with this fucking cat and the next thing I know, they were asking if I would stop talking if they agreed on a name: Claire.

Personally, I was hoping that they would choose my contribution– Matilda, and was filled with temporary rage of a kazillion burning suns when they didn’t. I mean, you give them life and this is how they repay you?

So the cat was Claire and we lived happily ever after for a few hours, when I noticed something strange. And the something strange, besides the fact that tourists in NYC often walk three abreast on the sidewalk, as though it is their private sidewalk in the middle of Times Square and no one else needs to get past their glacial pace, was that my daughter was talking to someone named “Ollie.” At first I assumed that she had an imaginary friend, a little odd for a 15 year old, but kids today, who the hell knows what’s up with them. But then I realized that she was addressing Claire as Ollie.

This was rich. I pointed out to her that she was calling the cat by the wrong name, and considered affixing one of those “Hello, My Name is Claire!” stickers on the cat as a learning aid, but then my daughter told me that she just agreed to Claire so that both her brother and I could shut the hell up, and, well, it’s hard to argue with that kind of logic.

And now the cat has two names: Claire and Ollie and because if I call the her the “wrong” name in front of the wrong kid, there are consequences, so I call her The White Cat or, better yet, avoid talking about her altogether.

Except that has been a problem lately since the whole deciding to kill both cats with my bare hands. I mean, sure I can say “I am going to kill both cats with my bare hands” but I find that it lacks a certain personalization. That personal touch that “bare hands” implies.

So that’s a problem.

The other problem is that I am now so exhausted from explaining the cat name situation to you that I absolutely have no energy to tell you about the reasons behind my wanting to kill both cats with my bare hands. That will have to be a post for another day.

I hope you can handle the suspense.

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How Sharper Than a Serpent’s Tooth

by Marinka on July 29, 2010

Recently our home underwent an episode of Emailus Interceptus to the 12 year old daughter degree.

Normally I totally believe that everyone is entitled to privacy, but I was curious.

Fortunately I didn’t find anything too damning (unless everything was in code! Why did I just now think of that?), but I did find this chain letter, preceded with enough LOLs to plug up the oil leak.

Take a look!

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of
next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
” Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to
the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident .”

7. My mother taught me IRONY
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me CONTORTIONISM
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me WEATHER
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me HYPOCRISY
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me: ENVY
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way.”

19. My mother taught me: ESP
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me: HUMOR
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22.My Mother taught me: Genetics
“I swear you’re just like your father.”

23. My Mother taught me about my Roots
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My Mother taught me Wisdom
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. My mother taught me about Justice
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you”

So while you vomit your pregnancy away, get stretch marks that defy principles of elasticity, have enough sleepless colicky nights to qualify as torture under the Geneva Convention and generally devote your life to your child’s happiness and well-being, rest assured that your child will appreciate every single thing and reward you through the beauty of a mocking chain letter.

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Proof That I’m Unyoung

February 6, 2010

A few things happened this week that made me realize that I was old. Here they are, for your mocking amusement: 1. On Tuesday, my physical therapist texted me to confirm my 3 p.m. appointment. And I wanted to text back “ok” or “great”, but hipper and cooler. So I texted back “G8”. I was […]

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Obviously

January 23, 2010

Obviously, I’m going through some kind of a hormonal imbalance and am posting depressing things on a humor blog. But fuck it, if grown ass men can have hissy fits over multimillion dollar contracts, I’m going to whine about how hard it is being a mother in NYC in 2010, and in every other location […]

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Dear Person in Charge of Scheduling the State of the Union Address

January 10, 2010

Recently I heard that President Obama will not be delivering the State of the Union Address on February 2nd, so as not to interfere with the premiere of Lost.  Finally, a President who understands this country. I don’t know what Kennedy was smoking with the whole “ask not what your country can do for you” […]

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Huge Motherhood in NYC Revelations!

December 30, 2009

1. I do not actually drink vodka.  I’m not allergic or anything, I just don’t love it.  Not like I’ve portrayed myself as a vodka guzzler or anything, but I thought you should know. 2. Except if it’s in a drink that contains other life-saving ingredients.  Like tonic. 3. I own zero pairs of stilettos. […]

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Tips for Holiday Hair

December 11, 2009

I posted this originally last year at about this time. Ok, on December 10, 2008. But it is timely this year as well, so I hope that you take the time to review these lifesaving tips. And then, please head over to The Mouthy Housewives, because we have an amazing TOMS Shoe giveaway. ___________________________________________________________________________________ Last […]

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Letter Writing Tips for My Husband’s Future Mistress

October 22, 2009

Yesterday, the New York Post printed a letter from Brooke, who’s in her 20s, and already having sex with a married man!  Apparently, Brooke wrote a letter to Steve Phillips’ wife telling her about the affair that she’s been having with Steve.  (I had no idea who Steve is, but apparently he was the general […]

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