Things I Learned

Last year I learned something so shocking that it has taken me up until now to discuss it with you.

I learned that literally now also means figuratively. And not just according to people who don’t understand how language works and have been using it incorrectly for years. No. According to the dictionary. This makes zero sense to me and I’m very upset about it.

So to distract myself from this outrage, I will share some other things I recently learned.

1. Two of my friends thought Nicki was a boy.

Here is a picture of Nicki, and I’m sure you will agree that she’s the embodiment of female grace and loveliness. As a matter of fact, it’s just a matter of time before Miriam Webster inserts Nicki’s photo under the “female” entry.

When Papa heard that two of my friends thought that Nicki was a boy, he was disgusted (and possibly surprised that I had friends!)

“Nicki looks like a typical whore,” he said.

Yes, because that makes sense.

2. I’m not good at code.

Two friends and I had dinner in one of our favorite West Village Mexican restaurants. The food is fantastic, but the place is tiny, and the tables are very close to each other.

“When I had lice,” I started to share my week, when I was rudely interrupted by one of my friends.

“You need a codeword for that.”

“When I had gonorrhea-” I tried again.

IDK, what code word do you use for lice?

3. Call it Sleep.

Son: You know what I hate?

Me: Nothing, because you are filled with love?

Son: I hate when I wake up at 7:11 and fall back asleep for a minute, it’s suddenly 7:30, but at school when I fall asleep for five minutes and then I wake up, only one minute has passed.

Me: … ??? !!!

4. Saving money is a good thing. But maybe not if you’re saving money on Russian- English translators when you’re hosting the 2014 Olympics.

I can’t stop looking at the official Sochi 2014 website and particularly this fantastic logo:

Hot. Cool. Yours.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Is Russia trying to confuse us so that we overlook their human rights violations and the #Sochiproblems tweets?

5. Mama is in deep denial.

Me: Mama, so I’m working on my memoir and-

Mama: That thing again?

Me: Yes, so I’m working on it, and by chance, do you remember beating me when I was a child?

Mama: No.

Me: Do you think you don’t remember beating me because you were in a drunken stupor and blacked out?

Mama: I don’t remember it because it didn’t happen. Same reason you don’t remember it.

Me: I was hoping that the reason I didn’t remember it is that it was too traumatic.

Mama: Idiotka. (Translation: female idiot)

Me: I remember you taking me to the ballet a lot.

Mama: Yes, we did that. But taking child to ballet is not same as beating.

Me: You just keep telling yourself that, Mama.

6. Yelling does not mean what I think it does.

My son and I were having a, shall we say, difference of opinion, about some issues having to do with whether or not I should be devoting myself to transporting him to and from his various social commitments or to less relevant tasks, such as work and laundry and making dinner.

“Just because you are busy doesn’t mean you should yell at me!” he said. In a loud voice.

“I haven’t raised my voice during this whole conversation,” I said, not pointing out that the reason that I haven’t is that I am utterly without energy.

“UGH, MOM!” he said. “When will you get that for kids yelling just means disagreeing.”

Kids today. They’ll be writing the dictionary one day.

What did you learn this week?

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P.S. This is cheating because I’ve known it for a long time, but I also learned that my friends can make me laugh hysterically and embarrassingly. Don’t miss these posts from Kelcey and Wendi.

One year ago ...

• Testing - 2012