Mophie

The other day my husband and I had the type of conversation that makes people like me wonder why heterosexual marriage is legal in the first place. Or why people were given speech.

“You know,” he started, “we’re going to have to talk about our budget.”

“Are you concerned that I’m not spending enough money?” I asked. It turns out that he was not concerned about that at all.

“We’re spending too much,” he said and then he made some vague reference-analogy-thingy to my credit cards and something about some small country’s national gross national product, but I’m not very numbers-oriented (oh, sorry– I’m not very numbers-Asianed) and couldn’t really follow what the hell he was blathering about. His bottom line seemed to be that come the fall, we should spend less, which I immediately agreed with. Partly so that he’d stop talking, sure, but partly because I understood that he was giving me a few weeks’ notice so that I could go ahead and buy whatever I needed to during that time. And I don’t necessarily think I’m great at giving marital advice or anything, but I’ve found that advance notice for emergency shopping is an excellent way to keep homicide rates to a minimum in a marriage. IMHO,of course.

I thought long and hard about what I needed and realized that my life has been pure shit and misery because I have to charge my iPhone via electricity, like some kind of cavewoman. Other people have one of those case/chargers, and I’m sorry, why didn’t I have one exactly?

The next morning I zoomed to the Apple store, and got a Mophie of my own. They just handed in over to me in exchange for some cash which is why I love America. And as much as I love Apple, the people who work there sort of get on my nerves.

“I’d like to pay for this, please,” I told the cashier because I know that stealing is wrong.

“If you download our checkout app, you can check yourself out,” she said. Which was confusing. Because I already checked myself out in the full length and width mirror and although I did wink and everything at myself, I don’t feel the need to re-check myself out.

“Can’t I just give you my credit card?” I offered and she finally agreed.

I came home and immediately plugged in my Mophie and charged the shit out of my phone.

“How come you get one and I don’t?” My 12 year old asked. My 12 year old who has the newer version of the iPhone than I do. Obviously he’s well prepared for the looming spending freeze.

“Because instead of wasting my time in school, I go to work and earn money,” I turned it into a teaching moment. See? Practical and educational! Wow, at this rate the Mophie was going to pay for itself!

The next day at my son’s baseball tournament, as my iPhone battery started to drain from my “I’m at my son’s baseball tournament!” “They are playing baseball at the baseball tournament, pls RT!” Twitter updates, I clicked the Mophie into the “on” position and sat back.

“I’m sitting back and relaxing because my iPhone is charging!” I told a dad sitting next to me. “Even though there are no electrical outlets on this bench here.”

“Mophie?” he asked.

“Yep,” I nodded. “Want to take a look?”

“I have one too,” he held up his phone.

But unlike my black Mophie, his was white. And I’m not going to get into the whole is white better than black issue, but I didn’t know that the Mophie came in different colors.

“That’s because you don’t know anything,” my son explained later that evening. “It also comes in red.”

That was almost too much information. Everyone knows that red is my favorite color for iPhone accessories! My case was red! And red is reminiscent of my childhood in the Soviet Union. Sure, my family risked their lives to escape that hellhole, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t have warm memories!

It was clear that I needed a second Mophie case, this one in red.

Thank goodness I discovered this before the spending freeze actually started! Whew! That was a close call!

Let me know if you want one in black. It’s for the iPhone 4/4S and I’m willing to sell it for only twice what I paid for it. Or half, because I’m not great with math. Email me your best offer.

One year ago ...

• Crap That Doesn't Make Sense - 2010