Ok, so there are a few things that I need to update you all about although I’m worried that calling this post “update post” makes it sound boring and many people will skip it, so maybe I should have called it “How to Make Your Penis HUGE!” except I suspect that most of my readers are either female or hung to their knees, or maybe both, so what’s the point of that? (By the way, one thing I know for sure is that if I were a man, regardless of my shlong size, if I kept getting all those “increase your penis size” spams, I’d be totally paranoid and flaccid.)
So maybe “Update Post” is a pretty good title after all.
First of all, Nicki is insane. What’s unfair about this, besides the obvious fact that I am living with a fucking lunatic cat and I brought her into my own home myself is that for the first two weeks that we had her, she had a completely different personality. Which makes me think that either she was addicted to Xanax at the shelter and has somehow managed to wean off of it, or that my family makes everyone insane and after a few weeks of living with us, you, too can lose your marbles. Come on over!
(Oh yeah, symptoms of her insanity include biting the hands that feed her ((and occasionally tries to strangle her (((btw, I’m assuming that if you have parentheses within parentheses that this is what you’re supposed to do, right?))) )), racing around the apartment at dangerous speeds and meowing when she knows perfectly well that I am not yet ready to awaken. oh, and P.S., Husbandrinka asked me if cats can be trained ‘through a system of incentives’. I’m having a contest next week and the winner gets to break it to him.)
Second of all, through no fault of my own, Roy Orbison is not blind. Last week I wrote that Roy Orbison was blind and after several people commented “OMG! I had no idea that he was blind! This blog is so educational!”(comment exaggerated for effect and for convenience) I googled “Roy Orbison blind” and was sad to learn that he was actually sighted and just really liked sun glasses. And seeing eye dogs. So the lesson that we all learned from this is that I am not an expert on who is blind and who isn’t.
Third of all, my son has a third tooth loose. As you may recall, he likes naming loose teeth after Star Wars characters. So we already had Chewbacca, and R2DTooth (although it kills me to admit it, this was Supermommy‘s idea. Oh, what? That didn’t link back to her? Sorry.) So now there’s a third loose tooth and we couldn’t come up with another Star Wars name for it, until the very last moment and then we came up with Loose Skywalker. I’m very worried because he has approximately 300 more teeth that will at some point become loose and then what the hell am I going to do? And if you think that think that this sounds insane, I’d like to remind you that my son has lived with us his whole life.
Fourth of all, yesterday was a huge snow day in NY and so papa chose that day to drive from upstate New York back home. And while he was on his way, he called me to say, and I swear that this is true, “I want you to read Shalom Alechem.” Ok, so first of all, I’ve already read some Shalom Alechem. And like, why? Why does papa call me at 8 am with this request? So of course I respond with “And I absolutely insist that you read some Danielle Steele!” I’ve never read Danielle Steele, but the thought of papa reading it is really fun. And then I spent the rest of the morning worrying that papa was going to die in a car accident and I’d have to spend the rest of my natural life reading Shalom Alechem.
Fifth of all, one of the things that I love about Twitter is when someone links to a post that they loved. Because due to my discriminating taste, I follow approximately 10 million blogs and can’t always get to every one of them. But the one Tweet that I don’t get is “OMG, check out this blog! You’ll cry your eyes out and attempt suicide after reading!!!!” Seriously, does this make anyone want to read it?
Sixth of all, over the weekend I asked my son about his friend Macbeth and he said “he’s not my friend, he’s my arch enemy.” I haven’t heard that expression in ages and now I can’t stop saying it. It makes for really awkward conversation, especially with arch enemies.
Seventh of all, if you just read the phrases that are in bold, you missed a lot of important information and are now my arch enemy. Also you’re probably confused why I have two paragraphs with arch enemy in them.
One year ago ...
- A Tale of Two Tables - 2016