July 2010

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of
next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
” Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to
the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident .”

7. My mother taught me IRONY
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me CONTORTIONISM
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me WEATHER
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me HYPOCRISY
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me: ENVY
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way.”

19. My mother taught me: ESP
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me: HUMOR
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22.My Mother taught me: Genetics
“I swear you’re just like your father.”

23. My Mother taught me about my Roots
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My Mother taught me Wisdom
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. My mother taught me about Justice
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you”

So while you vomit your pregnancy away, get stretch marks that defy principles of elasticity, have enough sleepless colicky nights to qualify as torture under the Geneva Convention and generally devote your life to your child’s happiness and well-being, rest assured that your child will appreciate every single thing and reward you through the beauty of a mocking chain letter.